Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason #4

Emotions can be a tricky thing and when they are untethered, they can encourage getting carried away. When emotions are the filter you are seeing life through, you may not be able to see things for what they really are. Since I can tend to be a very emotional person, dating wasn't a good idea for me in that season. I really needed Jesus to satisfy my soul and teach me to keep a bit in my emotions mouth.

"BUT I LOVE HIM!" - Fear and Immaturity

When you haven't eaten for a long time, you will end up eating just about anything. A long time for some can be years of waiting. For me a long time was about 2 months, then I was parched. When we greatly fear our biological clock, being alone for the rest of our lives, or never experiencing love, we are more susceptible to looking at the first thing we see without a wedding ring and shouting, "THAT'S MINE!"

We can be easily blinded by the emotions that accompanies these desires (sinful or not), which can engulf us and renders us unable to see things with discernment. Community is crucial for this. They can help us see what we cannot at the moment. Rejecting wise counsel and flying solo disqualified me from dating well. Due to my submission to my desperate emotions, I couldn't the person I was in relationship clearly. Looking back it was incredibly obvious we weren't going in the same direction and our relationship wasn't really fruitful. Our facebook status change wasn't necessary and we should have just stayed friends.

The bottom line is: Christian, don't date if you have no intentions on marrying this person.

Enjoy friendship. Embrace community. Think about it, pray about it. It's okay to wait. Just don't be disobedient and fearful in your waiting that you don't do anything!

This is the second most important decision you will make in your life but remember you don't make it alone. By God's grace, he will not bring you to the perfect spouse, but guide you to a repentive, God-fearing best friend! That's worth waiting for.


Whether you are single, dating, or married, can you relate to any of these?
If you are single, ask the Lord to help you be patient and trust in his love for you. Ask him to daily remind you that your satisfaction is in him alone, to mold you into the God fearing person he created you to be, and to help you build strong friendships with those around you that may one day blossom into a marriage.

If you are currently in a relationship, ask God to help you find community that will walk with you through this exciting time. Ask him to empower you by his Spirit to help you keep the wise and tested boundaries placed by him through your leadership. Ask him to remind you that those boundaries are not set to crush all of your fun but helps love you and your significant other well and will lead to great fruitfulness.

If you are married, ask the Lord to purify your heart and remove the burden of insecurities, fear, and works based love. Ask the Lord to pour himself into any part of y'all's foundation that is not built on him and create health and strength in that area. Ask him to help you forgive your spouse and remove any condemnation. Remember that this is his marriage, for his glory and for your joy.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 3

"Hey Sweet Thang!"

"Looking good Hot Stuff!"

"Come over here!!"
"Let me holla at you!"

"Please be over 18!"

It didn't matter if I was trying or not. These were the types of things I would hear from men of all ages while growing up. With all this adoring attention, I began to notice that I had something they wanted. And I figured out how to use it to my advantage. This is reason number three of why I had to stop dating.

"Put it out, and it will bring them in!" - Promiscuity and Immodesty

I was the worst of them all. I knew all the lines to say, the walk to strut, the looks to give in pictures and as they passed by, and had the wardrobe to reel them in right where I wanted them. But what I didn't know was I was banking on a foundation that wasn't going to last.

Beauty is fleeting. This vanity is easily linked to promiscuity.

I'm putting something on the market that I desire someone to pay full price for, but my marketing tactics are saying I'm giving it away at a Clearance deal. And that's what they come in for.

This does not promote friendship within the relationship but promotes a business proposition. "You give me that, I'll give you a little bit of this." Foundations made of sand will shift and crumble, taking down all that is built on it. Emotions, plans, experiences, money, everything. Or worse, the wind could shift (new girl will walks by) and they will be gone. Then what.

Please know, sweet girl, you are worth so much more. This is not to build up your head in pride but to fill your heart with truth. You have been bought with a heavy price by the One who loves and created you. Do not give away what is not yours to give. Yes, the compliments feel really good. Yes, it feels empowering to know you have something someone else desires. But your body is not a weapon, it is a temple for the Holy Spirit. Remember that when you are tempted to sacrifice yourself at the alter of that temporary, hollow pleasure. Jesus' blood can wash away every stain. He is the only One who can make all things new. Turn to him.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 2

Something I continually found myself doing, was pushing away from anyone that tried to tell me what to do. Authority... No thank you. Especially when it came to stopping me from getting something I wanted. Here is my second reason why I had to stop dating.

"Mind your own business!" - Pride, Rebellion, & Arrogance

There was a family that took me in after I first became a Christian. This was family of believers, with a loving father and a gracious mother, that offered to help protect me, provide for me, and love me. I saw the fruit of their labor and could tell they had a deep love and trust in Jesus. So when they offered to protect my heart, I quickly obliged.

Not soon after that, I met Derek. My first crush since becoming a Christian. I had no idea God had an intentional plan that covered me so my relationship with Derek would be full of honesty, transparency, and wise and biblical boundaries set by leadership, who have all been there and done that. Now I know that this was beautifully designed by a God who so deeply loves us and knows us. His goal was not to keep us from having "fun", but encourage us in truth, build relationships with substance, and know each other purely and deeply. Although at the time I was fine with being honest with them because I quickly learned that what I talked to Derek about should be things I wouldn’t be embarrassed to share with this family. But boundaries? Really?

 My thoughts were, "Umm, excuse me, but I'm a grown woman (I was 19 at the time). Don't tell me I can't be alone in the car, late at night, with the man that I want to marry. Don't tell me it's not a good idea to go off by myself with him whenever I want and do whatever I want to. And don't tell me that talking to him after 11 pm on my cell phone will most likely lead to immodest discussions. Come on! I'm a Christian. I got this." 

I eventually told them off all together and cut ties so I didn't have to obey their rules. Not too long after that, I entered into sexual sin with Derek. We were good at first and even set agreed defined boundary lines between us, but in the heat of the moment, there was no stopping us. I seriously thought I was in control. But we wanted to fulfill our desires more than we wanted to honor God by trusting leadership's experienced wisdom and wait to indulged until we were in covenant. We added so much unnecessary heartache to our relationship that could have been avoided by obedience and trust.

Having someone, that has a marriage that you wouldn't mind mirroring, walk with you openly and honestly through dating is incredibly loving and very wise. They will be able to discern abusive behavior, unreasonable expectations, and sin. There is so much beauty in biblical boundaries. I urge you! If you are in a relationship, be in community.

I mean, come on! We are talking about obeying the Creator of everything, including sex. You don't think he would know how things work best? I don't know about you, but I don't just want great sex in my marriage, I want a meaningful, intensional relationship.
 

Thankfully, God's grace has kept us and has healed us where sin had harmed us. Your situations isn't any different. Ask him to do the same.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 1

Dating.

What an exciting, yet super scary word!

It's not every day you get the chance to slip away to a cafe, restaurant, or bowling alley to exchange conversation and flirting gestures with a, hopefully, good looking someone who has found themselves in the same Facebook status as you. Hopefully.

Our hands sweat, but our hearts race at the thought that we may be sitting in front of the one we will share our last moments on earth with. What a romantic endeavor.

There are so many things that play into having a good and healthy relationship. Sometimes our actions and expectations are normally ruled and driven by what we think we are entitled to while in the relationship, why we think we need one, and when we think we should have one. Alot of how I felt about relationships mirrored those that were around me. Whether they be kind, giving, abusive, manipulative, or lonely relationships, I took close notes and observed what produced the results I desired and then did it. Can you see the poison?

This brings me to why I had to stop dating (yes, before I met Derek). Getting to know Jesus more, my heart began to change about relationships. I began to want to date for marriage and stop jumping from this person and that, looking for what culture says was a "good time." I began to realize, I couldn’t find what I was really looking for by using the same hunting tactics as I had before.

Over the rest of the week I will be sharing four comments [tactics] I made [and used] that eventually encouraged me to stop dating. Seeing this in me I saw what I was doing to myself and others, and desired to learn how to date well for one last time, by God's grace.

"What have you done for me lately?" - Narcissism

I loved being on my throne. My feelings and I determined the standard that was to be met by my significant other. Which, if we are being honest, were mostly unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations. Now say they didn't do or give what I expected. I would then make them know it and pay for it by sour remarks and a very "high and mighty" demeanor. I would withhold and manipulate them until I got exactly what I wanted, or I would just leave them high and dry. This is such an unhealthy attitude to have period. Now you want to add another person into the equation and this is a sure recipe for a quick and devastating disaster. The other person is now the subject of your unsatisfied wrath. What kind of love is one that the other person must walk on egg shells and heel or kneel where you demand? That's called having a slave, not a "boyfriend." Your love for them is based on their performance, which is dangerous and unloving. Talk about some serious pressure. And for me, this attitude disqualified me from dating well. I needed to repent and ask for guidance on how to love the other person better than I loved myself. Which, as you can tell, was a lot!

 

 

Narcissists do not date well nor are they pleasant spouses.

Food for thought:

Is your world all about you? I'm not talking about having standards that are wise and biblical that should not be compromised in hopes of having a relationship. I'm talking about the self-seeking and self-indulging motivations that tend to become more evident while dating. If this person you are involved with doesn't come when you call, are they a goner? If they don't compliment you, stroke your ego, or notice your new hair cut, do you get angry and make them pay for it? Let's step off of the throne, and allow God to reign in our hearts and let Jesus be our identity, no longer allowing yourself or your significant other to worship you. You can love someone well without worshiping them. You can be loved well and not be worshiped. Remember, we are no longer our own. We can no longer lean on our own understanding, and try to manipulate to get what we want, because in the end it won't really be what we wanted after all.