Dating One Last Time - Part 3

"Which way are you going?"

"Hey, so what do you wanna do with your life?"
"I really like music, I like telling people about Jesus, and I really think I'm going to travel."
"Hmmm... Me too..."

Are you both going the same direction? Does the mission you feel called to seem to walk right next to theirs? Don't get me wrong, Mr. Derek is polar opposite from me. He is a take-it-as-it-comes, wise introvert while I'm a control-freak, quick-to-talk extrovert. And, technically, Derek and I do not look simialiar to anyone from our dating past, so you could even go as far as saying we aren't really each other's "typical type". But we, by God's grace, work. We both love Jesus, and we both want to see his name known. We both enjoy teaching and music, and neither of us mind picking up and leaving when Jesus tells us to. And we really love and enjoy each other. We are super good friends!

Wanting similar primary things will be fundimental for your relationship. By primary, I mean, do they know, love, and serve Jesus.

1. If your friend has not repented from sin and turned to Jesus, then based on scripture, this is not who you are supposed to be with... right now. Missional dating is not impossible and I've hear stories of good marriages that started missionally, but it really isn't your job to convert "hot stuff" by dating them. I would like to remind you that you are not the Savior, you can't save anyone, nor are you responsible for their salvation. You, as their friend can hang out them, invite them to church, pray with them, and rejoice with them as they progress. Then, maybe you can consider a future together.

This can save a lot of unnecessary heartache. So if you have the expectation that, since you are a Christian, if you date "Shorty" and get them to come to church with you, maybe they then will become a Christian, you have a sour motive and this could lead you somewhere you don't necessarily want to go. This person could building their foundation on you and not Jesus, and if you break up or the first time you let them down, they'll probably stop going to church because you were the only reason they came. Remember, we make horrible gods.

2. If you are a Christian and evidently so your friend is too and you KNOW that you are going to be a missionary in South Africa, and home-boy wants to be a CEO of a multimillion dollar company in downtown New York City, then this is probably isn't going to work out. I say probably, because God can do anything and shorten your missionary years and reunite you on the top floor of the Empire State Building and you get married and on and on.

But that being said, pay attention. Sometimes you just know, "yeah this isn't right." Sometimes your prayers may have to be, "help me see truth because I can't get past the fact that he is so fine!!!" If you know you this isn't right, it doesn't make you better then them and it doesn’t make this person second best, it's just, he's not yours (listen to Not Mine) and that's okay.  It just means ya'll aren't going in the same direction. That is good friendship material, but not good spouse material.

I'd like to pray for you.

Father,
Thank you for your design. Thank you for your plan to bring your people unto you and unite them with yourself and with each other. Thank you for friendship. Thank you for marriage. Help your children decern which is appropriate for which relationships. Help us let go of what is not good or right for us, and trust that you will preserve any gift (relationship) that you mean for us to have. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 3

"Hey Sweet Thang!"

"Looking good Hot Stuff!"

"Come over here!!"
"Let me holla at you!"

"Please be over 18!"

It didn't matter if I was trying or not. These were the types of things I would hear from men of all ages while growing up. With all this adoring attention, I began to notice that I had something they wanted. And I figured out how to use it to my advantage. This is reason number three of why I had to stop dating.

"Put it out, and it will bring them in!" - Promiscuity and Immodesty

I was the worst of them all. I knew all the lines to say, the walk to strut, the looks to give in pictures and as they passed by, and had the wardrobe to reel them in right where I wanted them. But what I didn't know was I was banking on a foundation that wasn't going to last.

Beauty is fleeting. This vanity is easily linked to promiscuity.

I'm putting something on the market that I desire someone to pay full price for, but my marketing tactics are saying I'm giving it away at a Clearance deal. And that's what they come in for.

This does not promote friendship within the relationship but promotes a business proposition. "You give me that, I'll give you a little bit of this." Foundations made of sand will shift and crumble, taking down all that is built on it. Emotions, plans, experiences, money, everything. Or worse, the wind could shift (new girl will walks by) and they will be gone. Then what.

Please know, sweet girl, you are worth so much more. This is not to build up your head in pride but to fill your heart with truth. You have been bought with a heavy price by the One who loves and created you. Do not give away what is not yours to give. Yes, the compliments feel really good. Yes, it feels empowering to know you have something someone else desires. But your body is not a weapon, it is a temple for the Holy Spirit. Remember that when you are tempted to sacrifice yourself at the alter of that temporary, hollow pleasure. Jesus' blood can wash away every stain. He is the only One who can make all things new. Turn to him.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 2

Something I continually found myself doing, was pushing away from anyone that tried to tell me what to do. Authority... No thank you. Especially when it came to stopping me from getting something I wanted. Here is my second reason why I had to stop dating.

"Mind your own business!" - Pride, Rebellion, & Arrogance

There was a family that took me in after I first became a Christian. This was family of believers, with a loving father and a gracious mother, that offered to help protect me, provide for me, and love me. I saw the fruit of their labor and could tell they had a deep love and trust in Jesus. So when they offered to protect my heart, I quickly obliged.

Not soon after that, I met Derek. My first crush since becoming a Christian. I had no idea God had an intentional plan that covered me so my relationship with Derek would be full of honesty, transparency, and wise and biblical boundaries set by leadership, who have all been there and done that. Now I know that this was beautifully designed by a God who so deeply loves us and knows us. His goal was not to keep us from having "fun", but encourage us in truth, build relationships with substance, and know each other purely and deeply. Although at the time I was fine with being honest with them because I quickly learned that what I talked to Derek about should be things I wouldn’t be embarrassed to share with this family. But boundaries? Really?

 My thoughts were, "Umm, excuse me, but I'm a grown woman (I was 19 at the time). Don't tell me I can't be alone in the car, late at night, with the man that I want to marry. Don't tell me it's not a good idea to go off by myself with him whenever I want and do whatever I want to. And don't tell me that talking to him after 11 pm on my cell phone will most likely lead to immodest discussions. Come on! I'm a Christian. I got this." 

I eventually told them off all together and cut ties so I didn't have to obey their rules. Not too long after that, I entered into sexual sin with Derek. We were good at first and even set agreed defined boundary lines between us, but in the heat of the moment, there was no stopping us. I seriously thought I was in control. But we wanted to fulfill our desires more than we wanted to honor God by trusting leadership's experienced wisdom and wait to indulged until we were in covenant. We added so much unnecessary heartache to our relationship that could have been avoided by obedience and trust.

Having someone, that has a marriage that you wouldn't mind mirroring, walk with you openly and honestly through dating is incredibly loving and very wise. They will be able to discern abusive behavior, unreasonable expectations, and sin. There is so much beauty in biblical boundaries. I urge you! If you are in a relationship, be in community.

I mean, come on! We are talking about obeying the Creator of everything, including sex. You don't think he would know how things work best? I don't know about you, but I don't just want great sex in my marriage, I want a meaningful, intensional relationship.
 

Thankfully, God's grace has kept us and has healed us where sin had harmed us. Your situations isn't any different. Ask him to do the same.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 1

Dating.

What an exciting, yet super scary word!

It's not every day you get the chance to slip away to a cafe, restaurant, or bowling alley to exchange conversation and flirting gestures with a, hopefully, good looking someone who has found themselves in the same Facebook status as you. Hopefully.

Our hands sweat, but our hearts race at the thought that we may be sitting in front of the one we will share our last moments on earth with. What a romantic endeavor.

There are so many things that play into having a good and healthy relationship. Sometimes our actions and expectations are normally ruled and driven by what we think we are entitled to while in the relationship, why we think we need one, and when we think we should have one. Alot of how I felt about relationships mirrored those that were around me. Whether they be kind, giving, abusive, manipulative, or lonely relationships, I took close notes and observed what produced the results I desired and then did it. Can you see the poison?

This brings me to why I had to stop dating (yes, before I met Derek). Getting to know Jesus more, my heart began to change about relationships. I began to want to date for marriage and stop jumping from this person and that, looking for what culture says was a "good time." I began to realize, I couldn’t find what I was really looking for by using the same hunting tactics as I had before.

Over the rest of the week I will be sharing four comments [tactics] I made [and used] that eventually encouraged me to stop dating. Seeing this in me I saw what I was doing to myself and others, and desired to learn how to date well for one last time, by God's grace.

"What have you done for me lately?" - Narcissism

I loved being on my throne. My feelings and I determined the standard that was to be met by my significant other. Which, if we are being honest, were mostly unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations. Now say they didn't do or give what I expected. I would then make them know it and pay for it by sour remarks and a very "high and mighty" demeanor. I would withhold and manipulate them until I got exactly what I wanted, or I would just leave them high and dry. This is such an unhealthy attitude to have period. Now you want to add another person into the equation and this is a sure recipe for a quick and devastating disaster. The other person is now the subject of your unsatisfied wrath. What kind of love is one that the other person must walk on egg shells and heel or kneel where you demand? That's called having a slave, not a "boyfriend." Your love for them is based on their performance, which is dangerous and unloving. Talk about some serious pressure. And for me, this attitude disqualified me from dating well. I needed to repent and ask for guidance on how to love the other person better than I loved myself. Which, as you can tell, was a lot!

 

 

Narcissists do not date well nor are they pleasant spouses.

Food for thought:

Is your world all about you? I'm not talking about having standards that are wise and biblical that should not be compromised in hopes of having a relationship. I'm talking about the self-seeking and self-indulging motivations that tend to become more evident while dating. If this person you are involved with doesn't come when you call, are they a goner? If they don't compliment you, stroke your ego, or notice your new hair cut, do you get angry and make them pay for it? Let's step off of the throne, and allow God to reign in our hearts and let Jesus be our identity, no longer allowing yourself or your significant other to worship you. You can love someone well without worshiping them. You can be loved well and not be worshiped. Remember, we are no longer our own. We can no longer lean on our own understanding, and try to manipulate to get what we want, because in the end it won't really be what we wanted after all.