Since You Been Gone...

One of our dear friends, Pancho, has moved back down to Texas. Derek offered to make the trip down with him and then just fly back after spending a couple days with his parents. Now normally, I am the one traveling which leaves Derek at home. So really, I've never been at home alone for a week at a time. This is weird.

Which has given me some time to notice what he does for me, how much he has inspired me, and just how much I really miss him.

Dear Mr. Maffett,

I need you to know that:
1. I miss your presence. You have given such me a sense of security and I feel very safe around you. I've noticed that I am a little more nervous when I'm on my own. 
2. I really miss your laugh. Your laugh is contagious and I love when I get you rollin'. I'm literally willing to do anything just to keep you laughing after I get you started. It makes me so happy!!! 
3. I miss your wisdom. I make dumb decisions when you are not around. The Holy Spirit uses you all the time to keep me in check, and he is easier to ignore when he isn't audible thru you. 
4. I enjoy your sweet surprises. I miss the small things you do for me. Like flowers for no reason, and hanging my jacket because it's laying on the floor. 
5. I am grateful for all of your acts of service. My phone would always be dead, my alarm wouldn't go off, and my keys would be lost forever without you.

6. I really enjoy our late night talks. You know, the ones I fall asleep during. (Jeez, this list is convicting...) Talking on the phone is nice but I miss seeing the passion in your eyes when you talk about something you believe in or want. 

7. I am thankful for your conviction. You can be bullheaded at times but your relentlessness for what you believe is inspiring. You fight hard for what's right and always stand up for truth.

8. I love to hear your kind words. You are a strong, yet tender man. When you speak, you are intentional and meaningful. 

9. I'm inspired by your love for the Lord. You are always leading me closer and closer to Jesus and testing my faith. You are repentant and forgiving. Thank you. :)

10. I can help but love your sweet dance moves. If anyone drops a beat, you are quick to drop it likes it hot with me. I'm grateful for a man that is so much fun!

I love you. I miss you. Come home soon.
XOXO, Your bride 

Changing up your normal routine is hard. Especially if it involves another person that is out of town for work or in another state seeing their parents. How do you deal with it? What kind of impacts and inspirations has a friend or family member made on you that you don't always notice, until it's missing? How does that make you want to love others on a more consistent bases? 

Seriously, Green Flowers?

I used to love romantic comedies. I love watching as "fate" made a handsome hunk fall helplessly in love with a perfect, dainty beauty that he would do for. It was so ROMANTIC but I've come to find that it is so not real life.

Derek liked me. He liked me a lot. He gave me a promise ring about 2 months after we started to intentionally date/court. Now he tells me, he wished he had just proposed because promise rings are pretty stupid. They say, "I promise to eventually engage you then promise to eventually marry you..."


Through our dating season though, Derek didn't give me flowers, or any special gifts other than the expected holiday stuff. We were both poor college students at the time, which was super understandable why I wasn't being showered in romantic symbols, but that didn't stop me from wanting to be shown this form of love.


My heart got pretty bad for a season. I began to wonder if Derek really even liked me. He would spend time with me, have great conversations with me, and tell me I was pretty from time to time. But for some reason, I just wanted him to surprise me with notes and poems, and sweet things like flowers and I was unsatisfied I wasn't getting that attention.


During our first year of marriage, I had such a hard time dealing with unmet and truthfully, unreasonable expectations that I held on Derek. He wasn't acting like the movies I watched growing up that said he would if he really loved me. I finally opened up about it, and Derek was hurt that I felt so neglected. I felt pretty stupid saying any of it because I would be reminded of all the sweet, whole hearted things he would say and do daily to show his love for me. But my words continued to fall out of my mouth, "I JUST WANT SOME FRIGGIN' FLOWERS!!!"

A couple days past and I came home to Derek's smiley face. "Welcome home, honey!"

As I hugged him, I could see over his shoulder a small vase with bright, neon orange, yellow, and green flowers.

Wait... What?

Neon orange.

Neon yellow.

Neon green.

Flowers.

The first flowers Derek has ever bought me.
 

Cue internal struggle between my brain and my heart.

Brain - "Shut up, he got you flowers."
 

"Awe, you got me flowers." I said in my soft, girlie voice. His eyes lit up, proud of his accomplishment. "Thank you so much." I whispered.
 

Heart - "Does he not know me, at all...”

Brain - "You asked for flowers, you were not very specific."

Heart - "Did I have to be?"

Brain - "Let it go and be grateful. Be patient."

So I thought I had let it go by not saying anything about it, but inside, I despised those flowers and mocked Derek for ever getting them.

Three hours later, we get into an argument about something minor and out of my mouth rolls, "YOU BOUGHT ME GREEN FLOWERS... REALLY!?"

I couldn't be grateful. I couldn't see the fact that he was trying to love me in my "language of love" which is very different from his, which is service and quality time. I made it about what I was getting verses the fact that my husband was blessing me and trying to show his love for me.

It was rough and my heart didn't change immediately.

For a while I used this story as ammo for how I thought Derek needed to step up his game. But I have since realized that I was the fool. I was the one so bent on the color of the flowers that I couldn't smell the sweet aroma of his love for me.

I apologized to him, about a year and a half later, for holding expectations over him (some that I didn't even realize I did) as to how his "real love for me" should look. Derek is not a Hollywood character, nor are we here to write my dream love story. We are a part of God's story, which is more romantic and pure then any "true love" tale ever told. He is kind, gentle, and patient despite our broken gifts and ever wondering hearts.

It has become a running tradition, and a never-failing-laughter-starter, to get some type of green flower in each bouquet that Derek gives me. It reminds me of God's pure love for me and intends for me to experience and give. It reminds me that,

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13

Dating One Last Time - Part 1

Marriage is so beautiful. Emotionally, physically, and mentally you are bearing your naked self to this other person you have entered in to covenant with. Yes, they see it all. All of your strengths, scars, the sin, and even the flabby parts. You give yourself fully to them and they to you. Covenant is so amazing because it allows a place of safety, truth without reserve, and sweet blessing. When you enter into covenant, you give up the “right” to walk out, when stuff gets hard, when you’re not happy, or the emotions don’t seem to be there anymore. Like the gospel of Jesus, he gives us his all and he wants all of us. No tiny “hidden” parts all to ourselves, no! He wants our whole being.

When it came time to end a dating relationship, I pretty much always seemed to have always bitten off a little more than I could chew emotionally.

I wanted the covenant blessings without the covenant commitments. If they hurt me, I wanted to be able to bounce!

 

It's so hard changing your daily routines when it consisted of hours of talking on the phone about God knows what. All the times I would ditch my friends just so I could constantly be with this person. Then add on the abrupt rejection from this person whom I made my world. I really just wanted their friendship and now neither of us was able to step back from the position of going "too far.” I lost a lot of potentially good friendships due to my self-centered worldview and fear.

Not all "exclusive" relationships were or ended up being horrible. Some just weren't necessary. They were friendships that should have stayed friendships. Maybe it’s just me, but I found it to be crazy rare to get back to the friends only zone after I became "facebook official."

While dating recklessly, I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon and definitely not to this person. So why did I so desperately want to have the girlfriend and boyfriend status? I seemed to love to build the substance less intimacy and wanted to be desired. I loved to reach out in the dark to see what I could find and take it as mine. Sorrowfully, I hurt a lot of people along the way.

Here are a couple things that helped me, by God's grace, date well and, thankfully, one last time.

"Will you be my friend? Check yes or no."
“A friend loves at all times.” - Proverbs 17:17

Friendship is an important foundational piece in a healthy relationship. In this area, there is a closeness that is formed just by getting to know the other person without ulterior motives. There is a trust that is given and is shaped through trials and experiences in this platonic arena. “When a friend rebukes you, that rebuke can be trusted.” - Proverbs 27: 6

Getting hurt is hard. It’s hard to forgive, it’s hard to let go, and it’s hard not to assume that everyone else is just the same as that person was. Even friendships can go sour.

One thing I want you to take away from this: In all relationships you are dealing with (just like you) a sinful person. They will hurt you, sometimes unintentionally, which you will hurt them too. They will let you down, they may forget your birthday, or they will be gone when you feel you need them the most. Just as you will do the same to them. But if you are in relationship with Jesus, you have experienced forgiveness. Forgiveness that you did not earn or deserve. And now we are told to share that same mercy with those around us. Yes, even the ones who may not seem to deserve it. We are given the gift of repentance (the ability given by God to turn from wrongful, unlawful, or harmful doing), so we can be reconciled with God and those around us. So please, do not shut yourself off from relationships because of past hurts. Ask the Lord to heal you and help you connect with his body once more, unafraid of hurt and trial, but excited about his mission and glory. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to share the mercy, love, and forgiveness you have experienced with him to others.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 1

Dating.

What an exciting, yet super scary word!

It's not every day you get the chance to slip away to a cafe, restaurant, or bowling alley to exchange conversation and flirting gestures with a, hopefully, good looking someone who has found themselves in the same Facebook status as you. Hopefully.

Our hands sweat, but our hearts race at the thought that we may be sitting in front of the one we will share our last moments on earth with. What a romantic endeavor.

There are so many things that play into having a good and healthy relationship. Sometimes our actions and expectations are normally ruled and driven by what we think we are entitled to while in the relationship, why we think we need one, and when we think we should have one. Alot of how I felt about relationships mirrored those that were around me. Whether they be kind, giving, abusive, manipulative, or lonely relationships, I took close notes and observed what produced the results I desired and then did it. Can you see the poison?

This brings me to why I had to stop dating (yes, before I met Derek). Getting to know Jesus more, my heart began to change about relationships. I began to want to date for marriage and stop jumping from this person and that, looking for what culture says was a "good time." I began to realize, I couldn’t find what I was really looking for by using the same hunting tactics as I had before.

Over the rest of the week I will be sharing four comments [tactics] I made [and used] that eventually encouraged me to stop dating. Seeing this in me I saw what I was doing to myself and others, and desired to learn how to date well for one last time, by God's grace.

"What have you done for me lately?" - Narcissism

I loved being on my throne. My feelings and I determined the standard that was to be met by my significant other. Which, if we are being honest, were mostly unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations. Now say they didn't do or give what I expected. I would then make them know it and pay for it by sour remarks and a very "high and mighty" demeanor. I would withhold and manipulate them until I got exactly what I wanted, or I would just leave them high and dry. This is such an unhealthy attitude to have period. Now you want to add another person into the equation and this is a sure recipe for a quick and devastating disaster. The other person is now the subject of your unsatisfied wrath. What kind of love is one that the other person must walk on egg shells and heel or kneel where you demand? That's called having a slave, not a "boyfriend." Your love for them is based on their performance, which is dangerous and unloving. Talk about some serious pressure. And for me, this attitude disqualified me from dating well. I needed to repent and ask for guidance on how to love the other person better than I loved myself. Which, as you can tell, was a lot!

 

 

Narcissists do not date well nor are they pleasant spouses.

Food for thought:

Is your world all about you? I'm not talking about having standards that are wise and biblical that should not be compromised in hopes of having a relationship. I'm talking about the self-seeking and self-indulging motivations that tend to become more evident while dating. If this person you are involved with doesn't come when you call, are they a goner? If they don't compliment you, stroke your ego, or notice your new hair cut, do you get angry and make them pay for it? Let's step off of the throne, and allow God to reign in our hearts and let Jesus be our identity, no longer allowing yourself or your significant other to worship you. You can love someone well without worshiping them. You can be loved well and not be worshiped. Remember, we are no longer our own. We can no longer lean on our own understanding, and try to manipulate to get what we want, because in the end it won't really be what we wanted after all.