Since You Been Gone...

One of our dear friends, Pancho, has moved back down to Texas. Derek offered to make the trip down with him and then just fly back after spending a couple days with his parents. Now normally, I am the one traveling which leaves Derek at home. So really, I've never been at home alone for a week at a time. This is weird.

Which has given me some time to notice what he does for me, how much he has inspired me, and just how much I really miss him.

Dear Mr. Maffett,

I need you to know that:
1. I miss your presence. You have given such me a sense of security and I feel very safe around you. I've noticed that I am a little more nervous when I'm on my own. 
2. I really miss your laugh. Your laugh is contagious and I love when I get you rollin'. I'm literally willing to do anything just to keep you laughing after I get you started. It makes me so happy!!! 
3. I miss your wisdom. I make dumb decisions when you are not around. The Holy Spirit uses you all the time to keep me in check, and he is easier to ignore when he isn't audible thru you. 
4. I enjoy your sweet surprises. I miss the small things you do for me. Like flowers for no reason, and hanging my jacket because it's laying on the floor. 
5. I am grateful for all of your acts of service. My phone would always be dead, my alarm wouldn't go off, and my keys would be lost forever without you.

6. I really enjoy our late night talks. You know, the ones I fall asleep during. (Jeez, this list is convicting...) Talking on the phone is nice but I miss seeing the passion in your eyes when you talk about something you believe in or want. 

7. I am thankful for your conviction. You can be bullheaded at times but your relentlessness for what you believe is inspiring. You fight hard for what's right and always stand up for truth.

8. I love to hear your kind words. You are a strong, yet tender man. When you speak, you are intentional and meaningful. 

9. I'm inspired by your love for the Lord. You are always leading me closer and closer to Jesus and testing my faith. You are repentant and forgiving. Thank you. :)

10. I can help but love your sweet dance moves. If anyone drops a beat, you are quick to drop it likes it hot with me. I'm grateful for a man that is so much fun!

I love you. I miss you. Come home soon.
XOXO, Your bride 

Changing up your normal routine is hard. Especially if it involves another person that is out of town for work or in another state seeing their parents. How do you deal with it? What kind of impacts and inspirations has a friend or family member made on you that you don't always notice, until it's missing? How does that make you want to love others on a more consistent bases? 

Seriously, Green Flowers?

I used to love romantic comedies. I love watching as "fate" made a handsome hunk fall helplessly in love with a perfect, dainty beauty that he would do for. It was so ROMANTIC but I've come to find that it is so not real life.

Derek liked me. He liked me a lot. He gave me a promise ring about 2 months after we started to intentionally date/court. Now he tells me, he wished he had just proposed because promise rings are pretty stupid. They say, "I promise to eventually engage you then promise to eventually marry you..."


Through our dating season though, Derek didn't give me flowers, or any special gifts other than the expected holiday stuff. We were both poor college students at the time, which was super understandable why I wasn't being showered in romantic symbols, but that didn't stop me from wanting to be shown this form of love.


My heart got pretty bad for a season. I began to wonder if Derek really even liked me. He would spend time with me, have great conversations with me, and tell me I was pretty from time to time. But for some reason, I just wanted him to surprise me with notes and poems, and sweet things like flowers and I was unsatisfied I wasn't getting that attention.


During our first year of marriage, I had such a hard time dealing with unmet and truthfully, unreasonable expectations that I held on Derek. He wasn't acting like the movies I watched growing up that said he would if he really loved me. I finally opened up about it, and Derek was hurt that I felt so neglected. I felt pretty stupid saying any of it because I would be reminded of all the sweet, whole hearted things he would say and do daily to show his love for me. But my words continued to fall out of my mouth, "I JUST WANT SOME FRIGGIN' FLOWERS!!!"

A couple days past and I came home to Derek's smiley face. "Welcome home, honey!"

As I hugged him, I could see over his shoulder a small vase with bright, neon orange, yellow, and green flowers.

Wait... What?

Neon orange.

Neon yellow.

Neon green.

Flowers.

The first flowers Derek has ever bought me.
 

Cue internal struggle between my brain and my heart.

Brain - "Shut up, he got you flowers."
 

"Awe, you got me flowers." I said in my soft, girlie voice. His eyes lit up, proud of his accomplishment. "Thank you so much." I whispered.
 

Heart - "Does he not know me, at all...”

Brain - "You asked for flowers, you were not very specific."

Heart - "Did I have to be?"

Brain - "Let it go and be grateful. Be patient."

So I thought I had let it go by not saying anything about it, but inside, I despised those flowers and mocked Derek for ever getting them.

Three hours later, we get into an argument about something minor and out of my mouth rolls, "YOU BOUGHT ME GREEN FLOWERS... REALLY!?"

I couldn't be grateful. I couldn't see the fact that he was trying to love me in my "language of love" which is very different from his, which is service and quality time. I made it about what I was getting verses the fact that my husband was blessing me and trying to show his love for me.

It was rough and my heart didn't change immediately.

For a while I used this story as ammo for how I thought Derek needed to step up his game. But I have since realized that I was the fool. I was the one so bent on the color of the flowers that I couldn't smell the sweet aroma of his love for me.

I apologized to him, about a year and a half later, for holding expectations over him (some that I didn't even realize I did) as to how his "real love for me" should look. Derek is not a Hollywood character, nor are we here to write my dream love story. We are a part of God's story, which is more romantic and pure then any "true love" tale ever told. He is kind, gentle, and patient despite our broken gifts and ever wondering hearts.

It has become a running tradition, and a never-failing-laughter-starter, to get some type of green flower in each bouquet that Derek gives me. It reminds me of God's pure love for me and intends for me to experience and give. It reminds me that,

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 1

Dating.

What an exciting, yet super scary word!

It's not every day you get the chance to slip away to a cafe, restaurant, or bowling alley to exchange conversation and flirting gestures with a, hopefully, good looking someone who has found themselves in the same Facebook status as you. Hopefully.

Our hands sweat, but our hearts race at the thought that we may be sitting in front of the one we will share our last moments on earth with. What a romantic endeavor.

There are so many things that play into having a good and healthy relationship. Sometimes our actions and expectations are normally ruled and driven by what we think we are entitled to while in the relationship, why we think we need one, and when we think we should have one. Alot of how I felt about relationships mirrored those that were around me. Whether they be kind, giving, abusive, manipulative, or lonely relationships, I took close notes and observed what produced the results I desired and then did it. Can you see the poison?

This brings me to why I had to stop dating (yes, before I met Derek). Getting to know Jesus more, my heart began to change about relationships. I began to want to date for marriage and stop jumping from this person and that, looking for what culture says was a "good time." I began to realize, I couldn’t find what I was really looking for by using the same hunting tactics as I had before.

Over the rest of the week I will be sharing four comments [tactics] I made [and used] that eventually encouraged me to stop dating. Seeing this in me I saw what I was doing to myself and others, and desired to learn how to date well for one last time, by God's grace.

"What have you done for me lately?" - Narcissism

I loved being on my throne. My feelings and I determined the standard that was to be met by my significant other. Which, if we are being honest, were mostly unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations. Now say they didn't do or give what I expected. I would then make them know it and pay for it by sour remarks and a very "high and mighty" demeanor. I would withhold and manipulate them until I got exactly what I wanted, or I would just leave them high and dry. This is such an unhealthy attitude to have period. Now you want to add another person into the equation and this is a sure recipe for a quick and devastating disaster. The other person is now the subject of your unsatisfied wrath. What kind of love is one that the other person must walk on egg shells and heel or kneel where you demand? That's called having a slave, not a "boyfriend." Your love for them is based on their performance, which is dangerous and unloving. Talk about some serious pressure. And for me, this attitude disqualified me from dating well. I needed to repent and ask for guidance on how to love the other person better than I loved myself. Which, as you can tell, was a lot!

 

 

Narcissists do not date well nor are they pleasant spouses.

Food for thought:

Is your world all about you? I'm not talking about having standards that are wise and biblical that should not be compromised in hopes of having a relationship. I'm talking about the self-seeking and self-indulging motivations that tend to become more evident while dating. If this person you are involved with doesn't come when you call, are they a goner? If they don't compliment you, stroke your ego, or notice your new hair cut, do you get angry and make them pay for it? Let's step off of the throne, and allow God to reign in our hearts and let Jesus be our identity, no longer allowing yourself or your significant other to worship you. You can love someone well without worshiping them. You can be loved well and not be worshiped. Remember, we are no longer our own. We can no longer lean on our own understanding, and try to manipulate to get what we want, because in the end it won't really be what we wanted after all.

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Seven

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 12, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Now if you don’t personally know me, let me be the first to tell you that I can be some what of a “Drama Queen.” I dramatize a lot of things in my life some being sinful and some being quite humorous, but I would like to assure you that what I am about to tell you, is completely true. Might I warn you, this might seem like a rant, but stick with me. I have a point.

I’d like to say, I get paid a nice salary. Shoot, I HAVE A JOB! That’s really something to celebrate about and to be thankful for!

But for the past two years, honestly, this has been super hard on me. All of me. I’m talkin’ my mind, emotions, paitence, and body. Everything. I wake up everyday super early (if I want to look decent), I keep off a majority of the lights off so Derek can sleep in, and I have to leave the house by at least 6:30 a.m. to make it to the office by 8:00 a.m. I fight Houston traffic from anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour and a half with people who are half a sleep, reading newspapers, doing make-up, and/or talking/texting on their phone, who just so happen to be mad at the world and flick me off because I’m in their way, which makes me a victim of road rage, at least, three times a month. Not to mention the sun is directly in my eyes the entire way there. So, when I finally get to work and I actually enjoy what I do. I grown in relationships with my co-workers, but they are all much older than me, and openly think I’m just a kid and have no clue of what I’m doing no matter how many times I’m proven myself, which is super demeaning. Some of them truly hate their lives and seem to enjoy taking it out on me. It’s exhausting. Slowly 5 o’clock comes, and everyone on the road is rushing home, the sun is once again frying my retinas, and I’m falling asleep at the wheel. The stress and anxiety from it all has given me a pinched nerve in the back of my neck and I tend to block out my whole day to the point that I don’t even remember how I got home.

I can’t live like this. I don’t want to do this for the next 10 years of my life better yet, another year. And I started to resent Derek for it because I felt he wasn’t doing anything to change the fact that I had to stay employed there, or we wouldn’t make it financially. (This is all my assumptions, of course.) I would come home crying from exhaustion, yelling because this sucked, and hurts. And I wanted it to stop, now.

When Derek called me and told me what the Lord placed in his heart, he sounded excited and happy! My mind tried to take it all in… wait, Derek says he wants to move to Seattle and grow our family… while serving as members of Mars Hill…? Wait, is this Derek? “Yes, Babe! We are moving to Seattle.”

Well, how’s that going to work? Calm down, Courtney, just breathe. Let Derek lead you and let him be led by the Holy Spirit. Because if you try and make anything happen and Derek follows you and not the Lord, all the blame is coming back on you when it all falls apart. Moving across the country has to be God, if not this is gunna be hell.

We found out our friend from Texas Bible Institute, Pancho, was actually interning at Mars Hill at that time. So Derek called him to pick his brain, and ask him some practical questions about Seattle and the ministry. Derek said he sounded way different from the Pancho we remembered for TBI. His spoke of God's grace and the glory of God, and how the Lord had changed him from thinking the gospel was all about him to being truly all about Jesus. THANK YOU! (Good fruit of the Ministry!) He also said that he was staying with a host family during his internship, and how they saw it as their ministry to open their home to young people, AND a married couple, who had being staying there, just moved out. Pancho offered to ask them if we could use the room when we got to Seattle. Derek was shocked and quickly said “YES!”

We prayed. What an opportunity. This would be a great confirmation and an open door.

Pancho called Derek and said the Winston’s would love to have us! WHAT?! These people don’t even know us, and they are willing to take a young married couple from Texas in. Thank you, Jesus.
It was January/February and our lease on our overly expensive apartment was up by the end of April. Derek had just gotten braces and was summoned to a 6-10 month sentence. But now that we knew where we were going and we had a place to stay, “What are we waiting for?! LET’S GO!” I said. Looking for an escape rather than looking for God’s will.

"Just leave, but leave clean!" That sentence became an annoying reminder of how this wasn't going to be about me.

I was so done working for this company, I was grateful but so done. I just wanted to move!!!!! (Now I was being dramatic.)

I even devised plans against Derek, thinking if I got a crappy, easy, minimum wage job in Seattle, I would get to have an easy life and be the one coming home early, and Derek would have to get a better paying job and work harder than me, because that would make him “the leader.” (Through this whole experience, I see just how deceived I was on marrital roles and have come to find the depravitiy of my heart. There is nothing good in me truly, but Jesus. My hope.)

HOW EVIL! What kind of team is one against itself? I had to come clean with Derek and repent to him and God. I don't want that attitude to be forgotten and overlooked because it will dig itself super deep in my heart, sprout more roots, and eventually rear it's ugly head back up and ain't no body got time for that.

He forgave me. We took time to be honest and we got to work through some deep hearted issues that we both were just living with rather than actually dealing with. Through that process, we grew closer. But I still wanted to just pick up and go and the Lord plastered what He said on my mind.

“Just leave, but leave clean.” But I don’t want to… I wanna leave now… Sin.

I tried to pursuade Derek, but he knew we weren’t supposed to break our lease, drop our jobs and just walk away. How is that leaving clean? We made promises and obligations. Were we being obedient by breaking them? Of course not.

Okay Courtney, time to put your big boy pants on, repent of your pride, and keep trusting. Be obedient. Plus I knew, I knew! that was what the Lord wanted us to do, but I let my circumstance be louder than my Lord.

We needed a plan. Derek spoke with Doc (the dentist) and she told him that if his teeth are obedient and move that there was a high chance he could get his braces off by April! WHAT?! Thank you Jesus.

We also knew, if we both got part-time jobs, we would be able to move comfortably, have a savings, and pay off our medical debt. Derek was reluctant on me getting a second job because it didn’t seem like I could handle the one I already had. But I was persistant and wanted to help, so after three weeks of interviews (?!?!) I got a part time job at Panera Bread, one of my favorite cafes. Sadly, they weren’t offering much money or hours, which now I can see was the Lord. I would be fully cooked if I had the 30-35 hours extra hours of work a week, but the little I have made helped. Thank you Jesus.

Derek got a part-time job with Mission Burrito and he seemed to really like it. But he works hard, really hard. He would leaves home between 8-9 am for his first job and get home between 2-4 pm to then go to his next job between 4-6 pm and didn't get home til 11-11:30 pm. That’s a lot! But I’ve never heard him complain once. My hero.

We called and talked with the Winston’s, our host home. They asked us about ourselves, gave their expectations from us, and prayed with us on the phone! These people are amazing! They pray! This really gave us peace. We have a direction and we have  some clarity.

I starting applying online for jobs in Seattle that I thought I qualified for. I got a call at the end of March to do a phone interview with Princess Cruise doing Accounting. I was honest that we were not going to be there till May 5th, and I found out their new program didn't start till May 15th. I got the job. Two months out on a phone interview... Yep. Thank you, Jesus. Couldn't be more clear. :) 
I can drive in the sun for a couple more months with this on the horizon. I can wake up early, I can do the job I'm currently with well, because I know it’s “You’re not running from anybody! God leading you out of here…" God was doing something, something big. And we get to be a part of it.

Thank you for reading my blog! This has been fun to reminisce the Lord’s work in our lives. We want to remind ourselves of God’s goodness and Fatherly love towards us, because too often we forget and act out on our forgetfulness. Check out next week for the follow up post of what's been happening since we Sailed to Seattle.

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Six

*This is a pre-written blog post by my husband, Derek from April 9, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Seattle... Mars Hill.. hmmm...

So, I’ve decided there were 3 main reasons I did not want to give Mark Driscoll or Mars Hill a chance…

1. My wife seemed to be “in love” with him! Lol. She really admired him and his wife and his teaching and talked about them all the time. So, of course, I got a little jealous.
2. I honestly thought that “Calvinism” was a denomination and in the genius, pride of my mind, I rejected it without any further investigation. (Check out Calvinism & Arminianism. Using resourses like the Resurgence really helped me practically and theologically.)
3. The little that I heard from Mark Driscoll was yelling at men… And being immature and irresponsible myself, I’d get offended and why would I need anyone else to yell at me besides my wife?! Lol I love my wife.

I do however prefer Bible teachers and preachers to preach and teach the Bible! Convicting or controversial as it may be at times!

There were tons of podcasts on our laptop of Mars Hill, so little by little I would listen occasionally as the Holy Spirit led and I finally decided that at the very least, this man can preach The Word of God without compromising or watering it down.

I like him.

Would I serve or support Mars Hill ministry? Probably not. (Remember, I still haven't researched the ministry and their beliefs, only watched podcasts.)

So we still have a BIG issue!!!

Where are we going!!!??? I'm the leader, I don't do all of the decision making, but all of the responsiblity of these decision are on me. During this time, I was VERY cautious of who we counseled with. We know how important a multitude of counselors is. We also know how dangerous counsel can be when woven with sinful or ignorant motives, which can canse confusion, doubt, and fear between Courtney and I. Honestly, it seemed as if most people we talked with were saying to stay, "You're young," "Take your time," "Whatever you want to do somewhere else, you can do here." No one had given us any alternative route, scripture, etc, it was only - "don't go".
BUT
God said “out of here! Leave!” … Soo... 
Again..where?… How do I decide, and be sure? ...Now, hold that thought..

“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”

My immediate reaction to this is I listen to worship music all day, every day. Check!

Although that wasn’t entirely accurate, listening to worship music did help.

Anyways, so what does that mean? How do I do that?

I started reading in Ecclesiastes, and I looked to see if Pastor Mark Driscoll taught anything on it. I learned through that and the series on Doctrine a sermon called “Worship” that I was not created TO worship.. I am created worshipping. And unfortunately I was worshipping the wrong one most of the time. My life is constantly giving glory and praise, to either God or something or someone else… Most of the time, it’s been myself.

This revelation of worship completely changes the way a Christian in America lives… No longer defined by culturally accepted Christianity and traditional religion.

Do all things out of praise and thanksgiving to Jesus!

That’s it… NOT ONLY… Talk about Jesus, give to and serve people, go to Church, pray, read,  & sing because “that’s how you be a Christian.”

NO!!!
Jesus saved you and made you alive!!! And you did nothing to deserve it! Now if you truly believe that, how would you respond to that? … aka – the Christian life.

Enjoy and appreciate creation: people, places, things.
But Worship and give all the glory to Creator of everything: God.
SO LIBERATING!!!!

Now.. back to the pending question… How do I make this decision or any decision for that matter?
(Insert one of the top 10 quoted and misunderstood scriptures) – “delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” NOT you get whatever you ask or want! If God gave us everything we wanted, He would be a terrible God and Father with many rotten children because we rarely know what we want and what's good for us. He does. He withholds no good thing from us.

Delight: find satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ and He will transform your desires into His desires or he gives you the “desires” of your heart …. Have you made the connection yet?!!!
“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”!!!!! This is the key to making a BIG decision!!!! Naturally, my heart is deceitfully wicked, but Jesus has given me a new heart and continually changes my desires to His desires as I submit to the Holy Spirit.

ONE SIDE NOTE: There are many factors to making wise, Godly decisions, such as discerning things through the bible, research, counsel, prayer, and many others. HOWEVER, the reason why I'm stressing worship and motive of the heart is because of what Courtney and I have been through, which is so much heartache, sorrow, betrayal, bitterness, and faith-crushing experiences, that the position of our hearts, and motive, was the most crucial element to this decision. We knew ultimately, God would have His will despite us.

At this point, I had finally begun researching all of our options in depth, Courtney and I had been praying and reading the Bible, living life, going to work, thanking God for all the grace and mercy He had lavished upon us in our time of weakness, and how much he saved us from our ignorance…

And then one day at work, while cleaning a pool…

Considering the 2 to 3 options on the table, thinkin about it all…

“I would love to serve, grow, and build a family and life at Mars Hill in Seattle for however long God would have us there!” …. I swear it’s like that thought just crawled down into the bottom of my stomach and just settled there and it said “I ain’t goin no where!”

I gotta call Courtney! … I know.
… Really, ya think ? … Yea! I KNOW.
So I called Courtney.

-Derek

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Five

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 8, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

My patience is wearing thin, and I am beginning to get fidgety. I watched, feeling helpless, as my husband battled with discerning what God has called him to do in life, what he needs to do first, and where he needs to do it.

I truly love my husband and am so grateful he prays!

He desires with his whole heart to live a life honoring and obedient to the Lord. As do I. I’m thankful that he is not a hasty man, because I tend to be a hasty woman. That means I tend to make poor decisions because they are quick, thoughtless, and fear-driven. And moving anywhere driven by emotions can tend to be a painful experience. And ain't nobody got time fa dat!

The controlling part of me wanted to know what was going to happen, where are we going, when is this happening, so I could make a plan for us to get there, because what if we miss a deadline, or miss an opportunity, or job, or home, or life..? Then what? One of my greatest fears is a wasted life. 

When I was nineteen, I thought I’d have babies, a home, and a ministry by now, and my palms sweat at the thought of waking up and being thirty and NOTHING’S CHANGED!!! 

This, my friends, is sin. Point blank, sin. I am not believing that God is the loving Father that he says he is, and if we are going to be honest, he shows me everyday whether I see it or not! I don't believe he is in control, that he is sovereign, and that he cares for that which concerns me. This sin, like all sin, will destroy me. 

One of our other places on our “map” was Seattle. Mars Hill was introduced me to back in 2008 while I was looking for a marriage series to study. I thought “if I knew all that I could know about marriage, God would have to give me a husband…” SMH. The series was called Peasant Princess, and the Lord really got a hold of me through it. First off, this guy, Mark Driscoll, was talking about stuff I had never heard or imagined would ever come over the pulpit, and to be honest, it intreged me. He talked about sex within marriage, he talked about intimacy with God and your spouse, and answered tons of random, but relevant, questions about real life. He would address the women tenderly but truthfully, encouraging repentance, honesty, and knowledge with wisdom which I hadn’t heard before. But the men, boy, he certainly roughed them up, which I really liked. There were some sermons he would yell the whole time at the men! But it wasn’t this angry man making fun of and criticizing other men’s characters that got me excited, it was he was presenting the character of a man that was biblical and desirable in a husband. He yelled about their laziness, their rejection of any type of responsibility, the fact that they were still depending on their parents for everything, they don’t have a job, they don’t pray, they don’t read their bible, they don’t lead, they don’t take responsibility for their children, they don’t love and serve their wife, but yet “want to be submitted to and called men of God”. Now this… This was unheard of.

Overtime, I kept track of what Mars Hill was up to, new sermons series, Q & A sessions on tough scriptures and tough questions, planting new church, etc. Very exciting stuff. God really used this ministry to show me a different side of Himself that I honestly didn’t like at first. I even found myself asking questions with tears running down my face, like, “Who are you? It’s like I don’t even know you.” Well it was because I really didn’t. I knew somethings about Him, but I didn’t know Him. I was raised to believe that God was one way, and that was it. But now, He was showing me that their were sides of Him that my little brain couldn’t understand, because if I were God (which I acted like often) I wouldn’t do things like He would, did, or does. He began to show me that HE is God and I am not. HE knows everything, and I do not. And honestly how dare I, His creation, tell Him, the Creator, how to do His work. He sees the bigger picture, and I cannot.

"Purify yourself in the process of worship, carrying the holy vessels of God."

Derek wasn’t very fond of Mars Hill or Pastor Mark. He did like the important things, but I could tell he didn’t like getting yelled at, or Calvinism. (I’ve asked him to do an entry soon about everything, so be expecting that.) But he did agree to do one of their sermon series together to help us with getting back to studying scripture together.

The plan was to start the Doctrine series, which would help us know if we were going in the same direction of Mars Hill or not, theologically. We would listen to one sermon every other day and we would come together that night and discuss it. We learned alot, repented even more, and were encouraged abundantly. But through one sermon in particular, the Lord spoke clearly. Worship. God began to revealto us all that we worshiped instead of Jesus. Man’s opinion, food, financial status, clothes, alcohol, jobs, beauty, children, spouses, family members, anything that we placed on God’s throne that was not him, including ourselves was the object of our worship. Yes, worship. These are not actions that we can just start or "stop doing." These are idols in our heart that we need to identify as idols and by faith ask the Holy Spirit to crush them through his grace. He really opened us up to the freedom from which comes from Him being on the throne and no one and nothing else.

WHAT FREEDOM! I’m no longer bound to being the prettiest, skinnest, woman because beauty is not my God. I can receive corrective critcizism and not be crushed because man’s opinion is not my God. I can have a drink with my husband and not be an alcoholic or a drunkard, because it is not my God. I no longer eat a slice of cake and not be satisfied until I eat the whole thing because food is not my God. I can go out with my friends, enjoy their company and not judge them but encourage them in truth because I and they are not God. I don’t have to have all of our moving plans figured out, I don’t have to get Derek to figure our whole lives out so we won’t miss anything, and I don’t have to have a step-by-step plan of what I’m going to do in the next 5-10 years because I am not God.

When we worship something, someone, a thought, a desire, or anything, we bow ourselves, our lives, and those that depend on us, down to it, submit our ways, and our standards to what this thing requires of us. What we worship brings meaning and purpose.

Women and men are bound by bulimia because they worship the thought of being skinny. Women have hundreds of surgeries on their body because their heart worships the lust of youthful beauty. People are alcoholics or drunkards because they worship the buzz, the escape, the appearance, the numbing, the acceptance. People are addicts to substance because they worship the high, release, or experience. That’s why babies go hungry because their parents have to live large and then they can’t afford to feed them, because they worship themselves, what they want, and their lives. I have no room to judge nor am I trying, but I have been a worshipper of many of things and this really happens.

I, along with everyone, have allow these gods/idols to divide, steal, and destroy our lives. But Jesus now gives me the freedom to enjoy life and not be bound to it. We worship in all that we do. We were not created to worship, but created worshipping. Oh, such freedom we have in worshipping Jesus. With Him on the throne of my heart, I can breathe. And whenever I replace Him with myself or anything else, He has given me the gift of repentance.

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Four

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 8, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

During this time of waiting, we spent alot of time with Derek's family. It was good to have people who truly loved us and cared for us without grudge or motive.

Then about two or three weeks go by and we got a text from Derek’s mom, Kathy. Derek and I had been praying this whole time for big dreams that only God could do. We wanted His direction, more knowledge of who God is and His truth. We also desired a community of people who loved and feared God, that would surround us with love, discipleship, accountability, and wisdom, that we could give in return by His Spirit. I opened the message and read mom’s frantic text of “Read Isaiah 52:11-12 in the MSG.” I googled it quickly and began to read. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I called her. “Courtney, I believe the Lord is telling you and Derek this.”

Isaiah 52:11-12 MSG
Out of here! Out of here! Leave this place!
Don’t look back. Don’t contaminate yourselves with plunder.
Just leave, but leave clean. Purify yourselves
in the process of worship, carrying the holy vessels of God.
But you don’t have to be in a hurry.
You’re not running from anybody!
God is leading you out of here,
and the God of Israel is also your rear guard.

Now this was a lot to take in all at once, so I dried my tears and thanked mom for everything. Derek and I greatly trust and know the fruits of her relationship with the Lord, not to mention this completely confirmed to me all that was happening in both mine and Derek's hearts. We really wanted to hear from God and here it was. I wrote the scripture down and placed it on my desk and stared at it for most of the day. When I got home, Derek was waiting for me ready to pray and talk out this new discovery.

Two lines of the scripture jumped out to us right away.

1. “Out of here! Out of here! Leave this place a don’t look back.” Both of us knew that we had nothing left in Katy, and the doors were evidently closing. This showed us that looking outward from Katy was the Lord’s doing, and not us trying to “escape/run” from the past.

2. “God is leading you out of here, and the God of Israel is also your rear guard.” When I called Mom, she told me that she looked up the Hebrew word for “rear guard” which is אָסַף meaning to gather, bring together, and to assemble!

This is exactly what we were praying for.

Men on mission, who would lead and link up with Derek, ungrudging. Who help him discern the leading of the Spirit, to encourage him in loving his wife and children, and even practical mentoring in music and ministry.

Women, with wisdom, who would call me out on my sin. Who show me the joys of living life as a God fearing woman with biblical boundaries.

We both did not expect perfection from anyone, but as we read Acts together, we saw the Spirit of God dwelling in His children. They worked together, served each other, and functioned as a family. If they could do that then, why could we not find that here, in the body, outside of blood and marriage?

To be continued…

Are you too busy for anyone else outside of your personal bubble? Do you find yourself clocking in and out of church, not living life with those said to be your brothers and sisters? Keeping what is entitled to you, that you've worked so hard for?

I have found myself doing that. Putting on my "holy coat" and taking it off as I step back into my own world. I didn’t even realize I had been doing it, because I was more worried about where I was going to be eating after church than sharing life with those around me without any hidden agendas. Loving and serving others without recognition was a chore to me, and didn’t happen often. I now realize that this breaks the Father's heart. He intended his church to serve others as if serving the Lord himself (Eph. 6:7). He showed me, my sinful nature desired to take and keep what I thought I was entitled to, and the new nature he is cultivating in me is one of giving and sharing ALL that has been so graciously given to me by Him. 

Remember, your life is not your own. You have been bought with a heavy price and he loves you. You are His Treasure, His Child. This isn't an Aretha Franklin song. Yes, we are family but we don't just sing together. We live life together, grow, encourage, and challenge each other.

Are you doing that? This is not to condemn in passivity or condone in a multitude of religious acts. This is to remind us, our strength to give when we want it all to ourselves and our hope when we feel we have nothing left is only found in King Jesus.

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Two

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 5, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

It was a Saturday, and we had just finished Pastor Mark’s sermon on planning. Me, being a “pusher,” took out a couple pens and pads and started to write down some questions. 

Questions like,

“What do you think you are supposed to do with your life?”
“What do you want to drive?”
“Where do you wanna be in 5 years?”
“How many kids do you want to have?”

Of course, these are all questions you ask while looking for your mate, since times had changed, opinions had changed, desires and vision had changed, it was time to get back on the same page.

Twenty minutes went by. We both finished scratching our thoughts, hearts, and vision down on our own yellow note pads. Time to share.

Here were some of our answers (Derek/Courtney):

“Where do you want to live?” California, Portland, Colorado. California, Portland, Seattle.

“What do you feel called to do?” Music & Minister. Music, Ministry, and Motherhood.

“How many kids do you want?” 1. 6.


Wait… What? 1? 6?! That’s a big difference?!

My heart sank. I really wanted a big family. I’ve always wanted lots of babies to love, encourage, and teach. One…? Really Lord?

"Don’t you want to have a boy and a girl? I mean, who are they going to ride rollercoasters with? Creepers? Think about it, we’ll have an empty end at our dinner table…"

…my plea, as I process the fact that I’m probably not going to win this one. I immediately had to check my heart. What if Derek was really only willing to have one child? What if I was barren and couldn’t have any? What if I had to wait years and years for adoption, or worse, denied the ability to ever have the chance to raise children? Could I handle any of that in my “perfect world” paradigm?

As you can see some not so pleasant things were coming out of my heart and my mouth. Obviously some paranoia, a bit of selfish ambition, a little manipulation, and a whole lot of pride. All because I wasn’t about to get my made-to-order life the way I wanted it. Even at the cost of Derek’s.

Derek stopped and started to think about it, and mentioned what a joy it would really be to have a daughter and a son.

So he reconsidered and changed his answer, "1. 2." with a big smile. A sweet compromise.  

But my heart was still troubled!

Why did I want a big family if God was going to put me with a man that didn’t want one?

The week went by quickly and we didn’t talk much about our little pow-wow. Saturday we made a trip to our near-and-dear friends’ home, the Garcias! What a great bunch! We joined them for worship at their home church in Beaumont. We got there right in time for everything to start, so not much meet and greeting happened. During worship the Pastor (who has met Derek and I once a long time ago, and is said to be terrible with names) stopped the service and called out Derek and I requesting us to come up to the front for prayer. We had just left our second ministry which was a fresh wound. We were praying and seeking the Lord for our next step, and we were trying really hard to function as a team. We were excited and open for some corporate prayer. We just didn’t know it was going to happen like this.

The elders surrounded us.

I could hear the pastor begin to speak over and pray for Derek. Such kind, encouraging, and very relevant stuff.

A sweet lady came in front of me and began to pray. At first what she prayed was very general, and generic, which was much needed to calm and remind my heart of God’s unfailing love for me, but it was not what one would consider prophetic.

Until she began to speak to me directly in my face. “He sees you, He knows you. Be obedient when He tells you to not live in tomorrow…” (UM YEAH, the message He’s been teaching me for… all my life.) “Trust Him, He is your Father. And don’t worry about the babies, they will come.” (These people didn’t know me, and I’m kind of a big girl, how does she know I’m not pregnant now? I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be far fetched.) “Oh, my sweet girl, how many do you want, like six?!” WHAT!?!

Ugh! I just fell to the floor crying.

He heard me.
He really heard me, and He knows me!
HE LOVES ME!

That moment was so sweet to me. I didn’t care anymore whether or not God blessed us with six children or none. 

I didn’t receive this as “Oh, you are going to have six children, despite Derek.” No. I heard that as, “I love you, I hear you, and I know your desires, and I know what both of you can need.” What a great God we serve! I repented to Him, of all my expectations and standards I set that God had to fullfill. He was helping me see my idols. The ones I had made, and some unknowingly built shrines that I had been worshipping in my heart.

When I bow my life in submission to something or someone else other than Jesus, my face is away from Him, and my posture towards my idols forces my posture towards Him and His will. My back and my behind.

It would honestly be hard for me if I ever knew I would not have the chance to experience childbearing, but, I know that whatever the Lord allows me to go through, He has allowed. As hard as it may be to understand at the time, I have confidence that in any circumstance whether it be babies, bills, health, jobs, good, bad, or indifferent, He is in control. I certainly don’t mind that thought anymore! I forget it sometimes and get offended if I am worshipping another idol. Truly, I would much rather it be someone that knows everything, beginning to end. Not to mention the fact that He made everything which means He knows how it all works best. I would much rather He call the shots than me. I know what I can do in my own power, and it’s a honestly just a whole lot of hell and nothing that lasts.

Where are you?

Are you locked up in the expectations of your definition of a great life and success? Will your world crumble if you don’t work there, if you don’t marry him/her, if you don’t drive that, go to school there, become that size, have enough children or any at all?

This is idolitary, and we must repent.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of earth will go strangely dim,
in the Light of His glory and grace."