Then there were three...

So, there is a person growing in me!

How did it come about?

Well, you should know how this kind of thing happens. But if you don't, you should probably call and ask your mom. Should lead into a great conversation so make sure you're sitting down.

But anyways, the subject of babies was always an intimidating thought that was just a far off experience for much later in life. I mean, we even decided that we would get a dog way before we would try children! We never did get a dog, but we are going to have a baby!!

When we first got married (4 years ago), we discussed the likelihood of intentionally trying to have babies starting at ages 23 & 25. Then we hit those ages and looked around and said, "um... maybe we should wait." I was ready, but the subject always seemed to send a small shock of terror up Derek's spine.

Having a baby is a really big deal, so I tried not to press the issue.  I understand that babies happen even when folks are not intentionally trying to produce one and I know that we both would have welcomed a sweet little one no matter the circumstance. But I really wanted him to feel like he was ready rather than feeling "set up" and make him feel stuck or surprised. Derek never said anything leading or hinting to him actually feeling that way, but my own insecurities allowed that to be my interpretation of his hesitation. And what I didn't know was it was really affecting our intimacy and our trust in the relationship.

I was really fearful. I had a lot of friends around me that were having a really hard time trying to conceive. Some had been trying for years, and nothing. Then some would get pregnant and lose their little one shortly after. I miscarried at 9 weeks when I was 18, and that was the most horrific experience of my life. I didn't want that experience again. But what if we waited too long and my "clock ran out"? What if I don't work right and can't even help create or carry a baby? Would I be okay with that? Could I trust God's love for me through that? Would I let that define me? Man, we weren't even "trying" yet but I found myself tortured by these thoughts. Sometimes, I just wanted to get pregnant just to see if I could... It's a joyless, lonely walk that I chose to stay in... What the heck was I doing!?

I couldn't see God through any of those thoughts. When I don't see God while in a circumstance, I have to stop trying to figure it out and just ask him where he is. There are times when I don't hear him clearly or right away and it's really hard because I seem to have forgotten who He is, his character, and his love for me, which is that he is consistant, never changing, and unwavering. When I get like that, I really have to talk to the Lord and trust that God will reveal himself to me and show his love for me, no matter what that looks like, in the situation. So I waited. Some times were harder to be still and wait than others, but I began to see God's intentional preservation of our cute little blessing.

Back in August, Derek and I were still living with a very generous family with two adorable toddlers. At first, Derek was really careful with the kids and kept his distance. Not because he didn't like them, he just didn't really know what to do with them, and if I was honest, neither did I. I started to watch a transformation happen in both myself and Derek when it came to children. They seemed like hard work but a joyful gift indeed! I remember Derek started asking the father of the family questions about fatherhood, responsibilities, and how to love your children well. This was big.

Derek surprised me with a super sweet 25th birthday gift! DISNEYLAND!!! We would spend the weekend riding coasters and being entertained by Disneyland characters. :) I was so excited. But that was not the only surpise he had for me. At dinner, he told me he was ready for children! I was BLOWN AWAY! I was so excited for this new adventure. And I was ovulating.

Now I am 30 weeks pregnant with our 1st son. I'm blown away by God's grace to us. What a precious gift and all in his timing. We are grateful, nervous, and so full of love. What a journey ahead of us!

Come what may, we will glorify the Lord.

Dear 13 year-old Courtney,

We need to talk. I know you really don't like reading but I wanted to share some wisdom with you. Mind you, I'm you only a couple years further down the line, so that should scare you enough to keep reading...

First off, DO NOT TRY TO PIERCE YOUR TONGUE BY YOURSELF AT YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE! That's stupid! Just because a couple of rebellious thirteen year olds in a movie did it, does not mean you should try. It's going to hurt and you're going to pass out. Yeah, you pass right out when you look in the mirror and see that SEWING needle in your tongue! Need I mention it doesn't even work in the end. Please. Just don't.

Secondly, love your family. Yes, I called them your family. Despite everything that has happened, no amount of distance and ignoring them makes them any less your family. Take advantage of your placement with them now because you never know when they will choose to cut off all communication with you or worse, leave this earth forever. Cherish them.

Hey, slow down. Enjoy the ride. The point of all of this isn't to get to the end of the road. It's the journey. There's alot to look at, tons of memories, laughter, cakes, storms, flat-tires, emergency room visits, and alot of the people. Soak it all in. Let that Texas-Tornado, survival-mode mind of yours slow down and smell the flowers, because you're missing them! It's a beautiful world that the Lord has created for us to enjoy and develop. Yeah, it can be pretty painful and at times dreadfully heart-breaking, but all of that draws you closer to Him, in whom we find peace, comfort, and restoration.

Speaking of Him, I want to tell you something. 

(Oh, I know you think you know who I am talking about. You've heard His name and have heard stuff folks around you have said about him, but that doesn't mean you know him. I want to remind you of all the times you were misrepresented by things that people said about you and they based their entire opinion of you solely on hear-say. Pretty frustrating, right?! You really don't know a person until they have revealed themselves to you and actually spend some time allowing you to really get to know them. So, hear me out.) 

You're angry. I get it and it's okay to be angry. He's going to help you in that area, and one of the first things He is going to give you is forgiveness. Then He is going to tell you to give it to others, even the undeserving ones. I know that that is the last thing you want to give because it makes you feel weak and vulnerable, and truthfully you want everyone to pay for what they've done to you. Let Jesus, the creator of everything, be your vindicator and the judge.

Soon, sweet girl, you are going to realize that Jesus has given you forgiveness for everything. Yes, I said, forgiveness for everything. No, you did nothing to deserve it, actually you didn't deserve it at all. This forgiveness was driven, given, and initiated by Love. I want you to look up 1 John 4:8. Now, reread that last sentence.

God loves you.

This love is not like anything you have ever experienced. He cares for you. He was with you and wept with you as you went through what you did. You are His and He is yours. This makes no sense right now and that's okay, but soon after experiencing this for yourself, He is going to enable you to forgive the people you never thought you could. 

Courtney, you have been forgiven. You are loved. You are chosen. I know you may not think you need it right now because you're "a pretty good person," but you will soon see that you are in desperate need of a Savior and you need forgiveness. He is the source of all things and he gives it to you not based on your performance, but freely. Live for His glory. There is so much joy there. That is where your identity is found, in Jesus.

Sincerely,

(You in 12 years.)

Houston, We Have A Problem...

I was scared.
Geniunely, fearful.

Derek was diagnoised back in 2011 with multiple sclerosis (an amazing story which I'll share later). His amazing doctor started him on a great medicine called Copaxone. The side effects were small and quick, if any at all, compared to the other treatments available. Derek was 24 years old at the time and was covered by his dad's insurance, but we both knew that that would end on the last day of November of 2013 at 11:59 pm. We knew that day was coming and we had no clue what we were going to do about it. So we prayed and kept living life.

Moving to Seattle was so exciting! We came to realize that we were doing something pretty out of the ordinary. We would get strange looks when people would ask what was taking us to Seattle and our answer would be "Jesus." We didn't really have a plan. We just knew we were supposed to do it.

I had gotten a job with Princess Cruiseline over a phone interview while still living in Houston. The program was a temporary position and would begin May 15th and end October 15th. I didn't care. It was a job in Seattle, our next season, and another reason to give people instead of "Jesus" when they asked why we were moving. Plus, it sounded pretty official. "Oh, I got a job working for a cruise line, you may have heard of it. It's called Princess. Princess Cruiseline."

We made it to Seattle, and began to settle in. Derek applied and was accepted to do an internship with the church. That meant he would only have time to work a part-time position. But, I was excited! This is what we had been praying for and it was happening. We were both in agreement that I would be the primary source of income, (funny, huh? see Sailing to Seattle.) and Derek would continue to work part-time as a Segway Tour guide. Yeah, my Texan husband was giving folks a tour around Seattle. :) Jesus is hilarious.

I thought surely I could work my way into Princess. I thought I could show them I'm a good worker and have something to offer the company. But when I got there, I noticed I was one of about 2,000 other temps hired for the Alaska season. They seemed to be favoring others around me and I just couldn't get "in." We all know when we are "in" and when we are truly just temps. This temp position didn't offer any health insurance either, just a nice discount on a future cruise with them.

What am I supposed to do? Derek's medicine costs about $4,000 a month without insurance and God forbid he get hospitalized again. That's about $40,000 we don't have. We needed health care. We needed a good job.

The pressure fell on me like a heavy sack of potatoes. I felt like it all depended on me. So what does Courtney do when she needs to get something done. She does it. Quickly. With not alot of prayer or thought. She jumps on whatever seems fastest and most logical.

So I quit Princess.

I found out that Starbucks gives health care to part-time employees and they just so happen to be hiring down from my house. I applied and got the 25 hour a week job.

It was fun at first. I really enjoyed be a barista. But honestly, we could barely pay our bills, how the heck are we going to pay for health care too. I couldn't just get healthcare for him, I had to pay for mine also... And that was going to end up taking our whole check!! I realized quickly that I had messed up. WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

I was at my breaking point. Fear consumed me. Lies and condemnation flooded my mind.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Your husband will pay for your selfishness."

"God's going to punish you for being disobedient."

"You're done for."

I didn't realize how I saw the Lord until that moment. I began to realize that I saw him as some sort of karmic deity, that would punish me at any slip off of his harshly thin tight rope of righteousness. I couldn't handle it. I believed he would let us fail and crush us because of my fear, hasty decisions, and lack of faith. Oh how, I didn't understand the Gospel.

I believed I was a broken, unprofitable product that was once again failing the expectations of the One whom I just wanted to love me. What I didn't understand was, yes I am. I am all of that. But all of those expectations were fulfilled by Jesus. His righteousness is now my righteousness. His faithfulness is now my faithfulness. And I mean, I knew that. But I didn't really believe that. My mind said, "Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that." But my actions said, "No way. I'm all alone in this." Is it really something you believe if you don't do what you are saying you believe?

"Hey, there is poop in that cookie."

"Oh, okay thanks for the heads up."

 AND YOU EAT IT!!

Yeah, you didn't believe it.

I cried out. I repented for running in any direction I thought would be my salvation rather than turning to him. I repented for turning to this world in hopes that it would save us from our sure demise. 

I saw no where to go from where I already was, so I stayed at Starbucks. I was determined to be faithful where he has allowed me to be, and really trust that he can bring water out of this seemingly dry rock. I had to trust that God cared for both Derek and I, and that he would provide a new job or sustain us where we were. I would apply to local jobs as I saw them posted online, staying open for any new oppurtunities. I could breathe. The pressure began to lift.

August came quickly, and I noticed one morning I had an email replying an application I had filed. I was requested to contact the HR who had a couple questions about my resume. She made me aware that a couple hundred people had already applied for this position and that this would be a multiple step process that would take some time.

September rolls around. I do a phone interview with this company. I heard alot of "Oh, perfect!" and "That's awesome!" which was pretty encouraging. By the end of September, I, along with 5 others, were requested for an in person interview.

October 3rd, my 24th birthday, I go in for a background check.
*Super intimidating.*

October 7th, I heard "You'll hear from us Friday."
*I'm getting nervous.*

October 18th... I hear, "Monday."
*I am so scared at this point.*


What was happening? Was I going to get this job or not? It's an admin position and I was great at that and November was getting so close. Could I still trust God? Was this all going to worth it?

October 24th, my phone rings. I hear "Congratulations! Check your email."

I read the offer. I was floored. God provided. Derek's insurance would end November 30th, 2013 at 11:59 pm and the new insurance began December 1st, 2013 at 12 am. Derek and I danced and sang and cried.

Literally to the minute, God provided.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 3

"Hey Sweet Thang!"

"Looking good Hot Stuff!"

"Come over here!!"
"Let me holla at you!"

"Please be over 18!"

It didn't matter if I was trying or not. These were the types of things I would hear from men of all ages while growing up. With all this adoring attention, I began to notice that I had something they wanted. And I figured out how to use it to my advantage. This is reason number three of why I had to stop dating.

"Put it out, and it will bring them in!" - Promiscuity and Immodesty

I was the worst of them all. I knew all the lines to say, the walk to strut, the looks to give in pictures and as they passed by, and had the wardrobe to reel them in right where I wanted them. But what I didn't know was I was banking on a foundation that wasn't going to last.

Beauty is fleeting. This vanity is easily linked to promiscuity.

I'm putting something on the market that I desire someone to pay full price for, but my marketing tactics are saying I'm giving it away at a Clearance deal. And that's what they come in for.

This does not promote friendship within the relationship but promotes a business proposition. "You give me that, I'll give you a little bit of this." Foundations made of sand will shift and crumble, taking down all that is built on it. Emotions, plans, experiences, money, everything. Or worse, the wind could shift (new girl will walks by) and they will be gone. Then what.

Please know, sweet girl, you are worth so much more. This is not to build up your head in pride but to fill your heart with truth. You have been bought with a heavy price by the One who loves and created you. Do not give away what is not yours to give. Yes, the compliments feel really good. Yes, it feels empowering to know you have something someone else desires. But your body is not a weapon, it is a temple for the Holy Spirit. Remember that when you are tempted to sacrifice yourself at the alter of that temporary, hollow pleasure. Jesus' blood can wash away every stain. He is the only One who can make all things new. Turn to him.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 1

Dating.

What an exciting, yet super scary word!

It's not every day you get the chance to slip away to a cafe, restaurant, or bowling alley to exchange conversation and flirting gestures with a, hopefully, good looking someone who has found themselves in the same Facebook status as you. Hopefully.

Our hands sweat, but our hearts race at the thought that we may be sitting in front of the one we will share our last moments on earth with. What a romantic endeavor.

There are so many things that play into having a good and healthy relationship. Sometimes our actions and expectations are normally ruled and driven by what we think we are entitled to while in the relationship, why we think we need one, and when we think we should have one. Alot of how I felt about relationships mirrored those that were around me. Whether they be kind, giving, abusive, manipulative, or lonely relationships, I took close notes and observed what produced the results I desired and then did it. Can you see the poison?

This brings me to why I had to stop dating (yes, before I met Derek). Getting to know Jesus more, my heart began to change about relationships. I began to want to date for marriage and stop jumping from this person and that, looking for what culture says was a "good time." I began to realize, I couldn’t find what I was really looking for by using the same hunting tactics as I had before.

Over the rest of the week I will be sharing four comments [tactics] I made [and used] that eventually encouraged me to stop dating. Seeing this in me I saw what I was doing to myself and others, and desired to learn how to date well for one last time, by God's grace.

"What have you done for me lately?" - Narcissism

I loved being on my throne. My feelings and I determined the standard that was to be met by my significant other. Which, if we are being honest, were mostly unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations. Now say they didn't do or give what I expected. I would then make them know it and pay for it by sour remarks and a very "high and mighty" demeanor. I would withhold and manipulate them until I got exactly what I wanted, or I would just leave them high and dry. This is such an unhealthy attitude to have period. Now you want to add another person into the equation and this is a sure recipe for a quick and devastating disaster. The other person is now the subject of your unsatisfied wrath. What kind of love is one that the other person must walk on egg shells and heel or kneel where you demand? That's called having a slave, not a "boyfriend." Your love for them is based on their performance, which is dangerous and unloving. Talk about some serious pressure. And for me, this attitude disqualified me from dating well. I needed to repent and ask for guidance on how to love the other person better than I loved myself. Which, as you can tell, was a lot!

 

 

Narcissists do not date well nor are they pleasant spouses.

Food for thought:

Is your world all about you? I'm not talking about having standards that are wise and biblical that should not be compromised in hopes of having a relationship. I'm talking about the self-seeking and self-indulging motivations that tend to become more evident while dating. If this person you are involved with doesn't come when you call, are they a goner? If they don't compliment you, stroke your ego, or notice your new hair cut, do you get angry and make them pay for it? Let's step off of the throne, and allow God to reign in our hearts and let Jesus be our identity, no longer allowing yourself or your significant other to worship you. You can love someone well without worshiping them. You can be loved well and not be worshiped. Remember, we are no longer our own. We can no longer lean on our own understanding, and try to manipulate to get what we want, because in the end it won't really be what we wanted after all.