Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Six

*This is a pre-written blog post by my husband, Derek from April 9, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Seattle... Mars Hill.. hmmm...

So, I’ve decided there were 3 main reasons I did not want to give Mark Driscoll or Mars Hill a chance…

1. My wife seemed to be “in love” with him! Lol. She really admired him and his wife and his teaching and talked about them all the time. So, of course, I got a little jealous.
2. I honestly thought that “Calvinism” was a denomination and in the genius, pride of my mind, I rejected it without any further investigation. (Check out Calvinism & Arminianism. Using resourses like the Resurgence really helped me practically and theologically.)
3. The little that I heard from Mark Driscoll was yelling at men… And being immature and irresponsible myself, I’d get offended and why would I need anyone else to yell at me besides my wife?! Lol I love my wife.

I do however prefer Bible teachers and preachers to preach and teach the Bible! Convicting or controversial as it may be at times!

There were tons of podcasts on our laptop of Mars Hill, so little by little I would listen occasionally as the Holy Spirit led and I finally decided that at the very least, this man can preach The Word of God without compromising or watering it down.

I like him.

Would I serve or support Mars Hill ministry? Probably not. (Remember, I still haven't researched the ministry and their beliefs, only watched podcasts.)

So we still have a BIG issue!!!

Where are we going!!!??? I'm the leader, I don't do all of the decision making, but all of the responsiblity of these decision are on me. During this time, I was VERY cautious of who we counseled with. We know how important a multitude of counselors is. We also know how dangerous counsel can be when woven with sinful or ignorant motives, which can canse confusion, doubt, and fear between Courtney and I. Honestly, it seemed as if most people we talked with were saying to stay, "You're young," "Take your time," "Whatever you want to do somewhere else, you can do here." No one had given us any alternative route, scripture, etc, it was only - "don't go".
BUT
God said “out of here! Leave!” … Soo... 
Again..where?… How do I decide, and be sure? ...Now, hold that thought..

“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”

My immediate reaction to this is I listen to worship music all day, every day. Check!

Although that wasn’t entirely accurate, listening to worship music did help.

Anyways, so what does that mean? How do I do that?

I started reading in Ecclesiastes, and I looked to see if Pastor Mark Driscoll taught anything on it. I learned through that and the series on Doctrine a sermon called “Worship” that I was not created TO worship.. I am created worshipping. And unfortunately I was worshipping the wrong one most of the time. My life is constantly giving glory and praise, to either God or something or someone else… Most of the time, it’s been myself.

This revelation of worship completely changes the way a Christian in America lives… No longer defined by culturally accepted Christianity and traditional religion.

Do all things out of praise and thanksgiving to Jesus!

That’s it… NOT ONLY… Talk about Jesus, give to and serve people, go to Church, pray, read,  & sing because “that’s how you be a Christian.”

NO!!!
Jesus saved you and made you alive!!! And you did nothing to deserve it! Now if you truly believe that, how would you respond to that? … aka – the Christian life.

Enjoy and appreciate creation: people, places, things.
But Worship and give all the glory to Creator of everything: God.
SO LIBERATING!!!!

Now.. back to the pending question… How do I make this decision or any decision for that matter?
(Insert one of the top 10 quoted and misunderstood scriptures) – “delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” NOT you get whatever you ask or want! If God gave us everything we wanted, He would be a terrible God and Father with many rotten children because we rarely know what we want and what's good for us. He does. He withholds no good thing from us.

Delight: find satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ and He will transform your desires into His desires or he gives you the “desires” of your heart …. Have you made the connection yet?!!!
“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”!!!!! This is the key to making a BIG decision!!!! Naturally, my heart is deceitfully wicked, but Jesus has given me a new heart and continually changes my desires to His desires as I submit to the Holy Spirit.

ONE SIDE NOTE: There are many factors to making wise, Godly decisions, such as discerning things through the bible, research, counsel, prayer, and many others. HOWEVER, the reason why I'm stressing worship and motive of the heart is because of what Courtney and I have been through, which is so much heartache, sorrow, betrayal, bitterness, and faith-crushing experiences, that the position of our hearts, and motive, was the most crucial element to this decision. We knew ultimately, God would have His will despite us.

At this point, I had finally begun researching all of our options in depth, Courtney and I had been praying and reading the Bible, living life, going to work, thanking God for all the grace and mercy He had lavished upon us in our time of weakness, and how much he saved us from our ignorance…

And then one day at work, while cleaning a pool…

Considering the 2 to 3 options on the table, thinkin about it all…

“I would love to serve, grow, and build a family and life at Mars Hill in Seattle for however long God would have us there!” …. I swear it’s like that thought just crawled down into the bottom of my stomach and just settled there and it said “I ain’t goin no where!”

I gotta call Courtney! … I know.
… Really, ya think ? … Yea! I KNOW.
So I called Courtney.

-Derek

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Two

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 5, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

It was a Saturday, and we had just finished Pastor Mark’s sermon on planning. Me, being a “pusher,” took out a couple pens and pads and started to write down some questions. 

Questions like,

“What do you think you are supposed to do with your life?”
“What do you want to drive?”
“Where do you wanna be in 5 years?”
“How many kids do you want to have?”

Of course, these are all questions you ask while looking for your mate, since times had changed, opinions had changed, desires and vision had changed, it was time to get back on the same page.

Twenty minutes went by. We both finished scratching our thoughts, hearts, and vision down on our own yellow note pads. Time to share.

Here were some of our answers (Derek/Courtney):

“Where do you want to live?” California, Portland, Colorado. California, Portland, Seattle.

“What do you feel called to do?” Music & Minister. Music, Ministry, and Motherhood.

“How many kids do you want?” 1. 6.


Wait… What? 1? 6?! That’s a big difference?!

My heart sank. I really wanted a big family. I’ve always wanted lots of babies to love, encourage, and teach. One…? Really Lord?

"Don’t you want to have a boy and a girl? I mean, who are they going to ride rollercoasters with? Creepers? Think about it, we’ll have an empty end at our dinner table…"

…my plea, as I process the fact that I’m probably not going to win this one. I immediately had to check my heart. What if Derek was really only willing to have one child? What if I was barren and couldn’t have any? What if I had to wait years and years for adoption, or worse, denied the ability to ever have the chance to raise children? Could I handle any of that in my “perfect world” paradigm?

As you can see some not so pleasant things were coming out of my heart and my mouth. Obviously some paranoia, a bit of selfish ambition, a little manipulation, and a whole lot of pride. All because I wasn’t about to get my made-to-order life the way I wanted it. Even at the cost of Derek’s.

Derek stopped and started to think about it, and mentioned what a joy it would really be to have a daughter and a son.

So he reconsidered and changed his answer, "1. 2." with a big smile. A sweet compromise.  

But my heart was still troubled!

Why did I want a big family if God was going to put me with a man that didn’t want one?

The week went by quickly and we didn’t talk much about our little pow-wow. Saturday we made a trip to our near-and-dear friends’ home, the Garcias! What a great bunch! We joined them for worship at their home church in Beaumont. We got there right in time for everything to start, so not much meet and greeting happened. During worship the Pastor (who has met Derek and I once a long time ago, and is said to be terrible with names) stopped the service and called out Derek and I requesting us to come up to the front for prayer. We had just left our second ministry which was a fresh wound. We were praying and seeking the Lord for our next step, and we were trying really hard to function as a team. We were excited and open for some corporate prayer. We just didn’t know it was going to happen like this.

The elders surrounded us.

I could hear the pastor begin to speak over and pray for Derek. Such kind, encouraging, and very relevant stuff.

A sweet lady came in front of me and began to pray. At first what she prayed was very general, and generic, which was much needed to calm and remind my heart of God’s unfailing love for me, but it was not what one would consider prophetic.

Until she began to speak to me directly in my face. “He sees you, He knows you. Be obedient when He tells you to not live in tomorrow…” (UM YEAH, the message He’s been teaching me for… all my life.) “Trust Him, He is your Father. And don’t worry about the babies, they will come.” (These people didn’t know me, and I’m kind of a big girl, how does she know I’m not pregnant now? I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be far fetched.) “Oh, my sweet girl, how many do you want, like six?!” WHAT!?!

Ugh! I just fell to the floor crying.

He heard me.
He really heard me, and He knows me!
HE LOVES ME!

That moment was so sweet to me. I didn’t care anymore whether or not God blessed us with six children or none. 

I didn’t receive this as “Oh, you are going to have six children, despite Derek.” No. I heard that as, “I love you, I hear you, and I know your desires, and I know what both of you can need.” What a great God we serve! I repented to Him, of all my expectations and standards I set that God had to fullfill. He was helping me see my idols. The ones I had made, and some unknowingly built shrines that I had been worshipping in my heart.

When I bow my life in submission to something or someone else other than Jesus, my face is away from Him, and my posture towards my idols forces my posture towards Him and His will. My back and my behind.

It would honestly be hard for me if I ever knew I would not have the chance to experience childbearing, but, I know that whatever the Lord allows me to go through, He has allowed. As hard as it may be to understand at the time, I have confidence that in any circumstance whether it be babies, bills, health, jobs, good, bad, or indifferent, He is in control. I certainly don’t mind that thought anymore! I forget it sometimes and get offended if I am worshipping another idol. Truly, I would much rather it be someone that knows everything, beginning to end. Not to mention the fact that He made everything which means He knows how it all works best. I would much rather He call the shots than me. I know what I can do in my own power, and it’s a honestly just a whole lot of hell and nothing that lasts.

Where are you?

Are you locked up in the expectations of your definition of a great life and success? Will your world crumble if you don’t work there, if you don’t marry him/her, if you don’t drive that, go to school there, become that size, have enough children or any at all?

This is idolitary, and we must repent.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of earth will go strangely dim,
in the Light of His glory and grace." 

 

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week One

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 4, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle. Look forward to 6 additional posts including one written by my husband, Derek all about this grand adventure of love, sacrifice, God's glory, and our joy.*

I have been compelled to write. To form a pile of rocks to remind myself of what God has done. We are forgetful people, as I am reminded after reading why we gather, and He has been too good to me to allow such beautiful testimonies to be forgotten.

Let’s start back in September of 2012.

Our hearts were broken. So many lies were brought into the light. What was the truth? Did this all just happen or did we over look the evidence this whole time? When they said, “We don’t want to do baptism, and we don’t take communion either,” that just gave us an appropriate HOV lane out of there. We gave so much to this vision and were on the verge of giving it all, but God’s grace stopped us in our tracks.

I wanted it!

I wanted to quit my job and serve at this church full time, and they were willing to offer me that very thing, but what I didn’t know, and the Lord did, was that it was going to cost me more that I was willing to pay. When the truth, the whole truth, came out. I immediately repented and started thanking Him for surpassing my feelings and did what was best for us as a family. We would have been in for some big surprises if I had quit my job and became staff. His love once again saved us.

It was heartbreaking, but there was hope in the midst of this storm. I remember the Lord nudging me a couple of weeks prior saying, “I am faithful, even when my people are not.” I thought it was about people (my friends, family, and people who said they supported Derek and I pursuing ministry) not giving any money to the organization I wanted to work for, which would in turn be providing enough to pay my monthly salary. No money meant no job. I thought God’s people were being cheap, selfish, and unfaithful. But they weren’t. I got caught up in the overwhelming desire to work in “God’s kingdom” alone (which I’ll come back to), and God’s people were just being obedient. He was shutting off all of the streams that could feed into this work, making it impossible for us to drink from it. Now, His other people, the people leading this organization, they were the ones who were truly being unfaithful. His encouraging words after a devistating revelation, meant I could trust that my life was in his hands, not in my own. Derek’s life, my family’s or friend’s lives, or even these “leaders”.

I was mislead into thinking that I could only work for "God’s kingdom" if I was working for a church. God’s work is missional, and we need Christians working in the feilds as doctors, lawyers, baristas, and cashiers. I can love and serve the Lord just as much there as anywhere else he may set me.

So, it was back to the drawing board for us. Back to the basics for everything. All of our dreams and plans that went into "that" ministry, and family were now being excommunicated, we needed to reevaluate. Derek and I sat down together and watched planning, which was something we weren’t always the best team players at. I had been known to be a control-freak once or twice, and he didn’t like the disappointing side of planning. He wanted to make one definitive plan without changes.

The Holy Spirit began to soften both of our hearts and show us that planning was good. We needed to allow God to direct our desires even through unexpected events, or closing doors. So we prayed!

Do you have a plan?

Have your plans been distracted and foiled by others, or derailed by unexpected events? It is time to reevaluate, both your heart, your teammate’s status, and your current plan. Allow the Holy Spirit to show you the path he wants you to walk and allow Him to direct your steps. As you walk in faith, know that He loves His children, and nothing you do or say is a surprise to Him.

Don’t be afraid, lest you be the servant to whom he says "You wicked, lazy servant! …you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.” It’s time to dream, and dream BIG!