Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Two

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 5, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

It was a Saturday, and we had just finished Pastor Mark’s sermon on planning. Me, being a “pusher,” took out a couple pens and pads and started to write down some questions. 

Questions like,

“What do you think you are supposed to do with your life?”
“What do you want to drive?”
“Where do you wanna be in 5 years?”
“How many kids do you want to have?”

Of course, these are all questions you ask while looking for your mate, since times had changed, opinions had changed, desires and vision had changed, it was time to get back on the same page.

Twenty minutes went by. We both finished scratching our thoughts, hearts, and vision down on our own yellow note pads. Time to share.

Here were some of our answers (Derek/Courtney):

“Where do you want to live?” California, Portland, Colorado. California, Portland, Seattle.

“What do you feel called to do?” Music & Minister. Music, Ministry, and Motherhood.

“How many kids do you want?” 1. 6.


Wait… What? 1? 6?! That’s a big difference?!

My heart sank. I really wanted a big family. I’ve always wanted lots of babies to love, encourage, and teach. One…? Really Lord?

"Don’t you want to have a boy and a girl? I mean, who are they going to ride rollercoasters with? Creepers? Think about it, we’ll have an empty end at our dinner table…"

…my plea, as I process the fact that I’m probably not going to win this one. I immediately had to check my heart. What if Derek was really only willing to have one child? What if I was barren and couldn’t have any? What if I had to wait years and years for adoption, or worse, denied the ability to ever have the chance to raise children? Could I handle any of that in my “perfect world” paradigm?

As you can see some not so pleasant things were coming out of my heart and my mouth. Obviously some paranoia, a bit of selfish ambition, a little manipulation, and a whole lot of pride. All because I wasn’t about to get my made-to-order life the way I wanted it. Even at the cost of Derek’s.

Derek stopped and started to think about it, and mentioned what a joy it would really be to have a daughter and a son.

So he reconsidered and changed his answer, "1. 2." with a big smile. A sweet compromise.  

But my heart was still troubled!

Why did I want a big family if God was going to put me with a man that didn’t want one?

The week went by quickly and we didn’t talk much about our little pow-wow. Saturday we made a trip to our near-and-dear friends’ home, the Garcias! What a great bunch! We joined them for worship at their home church in Beaumont. We got there right in time for everything to start, so not much meet and greeting happened. During worship the Pastor (who has met Derek and I once a long time ago, and is said to be terrible with names) stopped the service and called out Derek and I requesting us to come up to the front for prayer. We had just left our second ministry which was a fresh wound. We were praying and seeking the Lord for our next step, and we were trying really hard to function as a team. We were excited and open for some corporate prayer. We just didn’t know it was going to happen like this.

The elders surrounded us.

I could hear the pastor begin to speak over and pray for Derek. Such kind, encouraging, and very relevant stuff.

A sweet lady came in front of me and began to pray. At first what she prayed was very general, and generic, which was much needed to calm and remind my heart of God’s unfailing love for me, but it was not what one would consider prophetic.

Until she began to speak to me directly in my face. “He sees you, He knows you. Be obedient when He tells you to not live in tomorrow…” (UM YEAH, the message He’s been teaching me for… all my life.) “Trust Him, He is your Father. And don’t worry about the babies, they will come.” (These people didn’t know me, and I’m kind of a big girl, how does she know I’m not pregnant now? I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be far fetched.) “Oh, my sweet girl, how many do you want, like six?!” WHAT!?!

Ugh! I just fell to the floor crying.

He heard me.
He really heard me, and He knows me!
HE LOVES ME!

That moment was so sweet to me. I didn’t care anymore whether or not God blessed us with six children or none. 

I didn’t receive this as “Oh, you are going to have six children, despite Derek.” No. I heard that as, “I love you, I hear you, and I know your desires, and I know what both of you can need.” What a great God we serve! I repented to Him, of all my expectations and standards I set that God had to fullfill. He was helping me see my idols. The ones I had made, and some unknowingly built shrines that I had been worshipping in my heart.

When I bow my life in submission to something or someone else other than Jesus, my face is away from Him, and my posture towards my idols forces my posture towards Him and His will. My back and my behind.

It would honestly be hard for me if I ever knew I would not have the chance to experience childbearing, but, I know that whatever the Lord allows me to go through, He has allowed. As hard as it may be to understand at the time, I have confidence that in any circumstance whether it be babies, bills, health, jobs, good, bad, or indifferent, He is in control. I certainly don’t mind that thought anymore! I forget it sometimes and get offended if I am worshipping another idol. Truly, I would much rather it be someone that knows everything, beginning to end. Not to mention the fact that He made everything which means He knows how it all works best. I would much rather He call the shots than me. I know what I can do in my own power, and it’s a honestly just a whole lot of hell and nothing that lasts.

Where are you?

Are you locked up in the expectations of your definition of a great life and success? Will your world crumble if you don’t work there, if you don’t marry him/her, if you don’t drive that, go to school there, become that size, have enough children or any at all?

This is idolitary, and we must repent.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of earth will go strangely dim,
in the Light of His glory and grace." 

 

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week One

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 4, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle. Look forward to 6 additional posts including one written by my husband, Derek all about this grand adventure of love, sacrifice, God's glory, and our joy.*

I have been compelled to write. To form a pile of rocks to remind myself of what God has done. We are forgetful people, as I am reminded after reading why we gather, and He has been too good to me to allow such beautiful testimonies to be forgotten.

Let’s start back in September of 2012.

Our hearts were broken. So many lies were brought into the light. What was the truth? Did this all just happen or did we over look the evidence this whole time? When they said, “We don’t want to do baptism, and we don’t take communion either,” that just gave us an appropriate HOV lane out of there. We gave so much to this vision and were on the verge of giving it all, but God’s grace stopped us in our tracks.

I wanted it!

I wanted to quit my job and serve at this church full time, and they were willing to offer me that very thing, but what I didn’t know, and the Lord did, was that it was going to cost me more that I was willing to pay. When the truth, the whole truth, came out. I immediately repented and started thanking Him for surpassing my feelings and did what was best for us as a family. We would have been in for some big surprises if I had quit my job and became staff. His love once again saved us.

It was heartbreaking, but there was hope in the midst of this storm. I remember the Lord nudging me a couple of weeks prior saying, “I am faithful, even when my people are not.” I thought it was about people (my friends, family, and people who said they supported Derek and I pursuing ministry) not giving any money to the organization I wanted to work for, which would in turn be providing enough to pay my monthly salary. No money meant no job. I thought God’s people were being cheap, selfish, and unfaithful. But they weren’t. I got caught up in the overwhelming desire to work in “God’s kingdom” alone (which I’ll come back to), and God’s people were just being obedient. He was shutting off all of the streams that could feed into this work, making it impossible for us to drink from it. Now, His other people, the people leading this organization, they were the ones who were truly being unfaithful. His encouraging words after a devistating revelation, meant I could trust that my life was in his hands, not in my own. Derek’s life, my family’s or friend’s lives, or even these “leaders”.

I was mislead into thinking that I could only work for "God’s kingdom" if I was working for a church. God’s work is missional, and we need Christians working in the feilds as doctors, lawyers, baristas, and cashiers. I can love and serve the Lord just as much there as anywhere else he may set me.

So, it was back to the drawing board for us. Back to the basics for everything. All of our dreams and plans that went into "that" ministry, and family were now being excommunicated, we needed to reevaluate. Derek and I sat down together and watched planning, which was something we weren’t always the best team players at. I had been known to be a control-freak once or twice, and he didn’t like the disappointing side of planning. He wanted to make one definitive plan without changes.

The Holy Spirit began to soften both of our hearts and show us that planning was good. We needed to allow God to direct our desires even through unexpected events, or closing doors. So we prayed!

Do you have a plan?

Have your plans been distracted and foiled by others, or derailed by unexpected events? It is time to reevaluate, both your heart, your teammate’s status, and your current plan. Allow the Holy Spirit to show you the path he wants you to walk and allow Him to direct your steps. As you walk in faith, know that He loves His children, and nothing you do or say is a surprise to Him.

Don’t be afraid, lest you be the servant to whom he says "You wicked, lazy servant! …you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.” It’s time to dream, and dream BIG!

Planning

I am a big planner. Sometimes, it's to the extreme. I'm talkin' to the point of zero enjoyment of what I am planning to do. I can't! I'm too busy worrying about the next thing on my to-do list. So, "What's the point?!" you ask. Well, I thought it was to get to the finish line and bust out in my choreographed celebration dance, but by that time, I'm exhausted. Seriously, I can't really tell you much about the experience, but I can say is, I did it. Whatever it was.

But I have come a long way! For example, our well planned Los Angeles trip back in October 2011 Derek was invited to perform at P4CM's 2011 Rhetoric. What a privilege and we had a blast!

I had the essentials purchased, like the planes tickets, hotel, and rental car, pretty much the night we decided we were going... Then I started looking of things to do. I ended up finding some great deals on tours, food, and shows. I did become bossy when it came time to get ready to go to these planned events, and of course I had to be there early, so there was some yelling, and later repenting, going on between the happy couple. All in all we had a great time!!

Then the time came to make a weekend trip to Canada this year for my birthday. We only had Amtrak tickets, a hotel room, and about $250 to spend. All of our plans were undecided. At first, my hands started to sweat. But I'm learning to trust my husband, Derek, who is not a planner, and to enjoy the moment I am currently in.

What a birthday trip!! The Amtrak ride was so beautiful! (If you have a chance to take it from Seattle to Vancouver, DO IT!) We had cafe lunches (my fave), went to Stanley Park on bike rentals, and went to a comedy show down the street from our hotel! This was one of my favorite trips and it seemed like time had slowed down for us. We were well rested, had tons of laughs, and didn't fight at all. Plus, I actually remember it!

There are some areas in our lives that we can honor God by planning out well, but in no area is it honoring if we have consistent anxiety and fear. Truthfully, that means that our worship is not focused on Jesus but rather pointed towards those things. Whether it's planning trips, events, parenting, education, budgeting money, or meal planning, these can all easily become idols in our hearts. We will we obsess over these and we may allow them to define us. This is not what our Father wants for his children, whom he loves deeply.

A way that I evaluate whether something is an idol in my heart is if it doesn't go the way I plan or envisioned it, what happens to my heart, my brain, or my attitude? Does it ruin my day? Does it crush me, because this is "who I am"?

What about you? What gets your blood pressure up when it doesn't happen your way? Are you trying to control something or someone to the point that you are choking the life out of it or them? The Father cares for you, and he is the only one that will satisfy your soul.

Hebrews 6:17-20

So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.