Seriously, Green Flowers?

I used to love romantic comedies. I love watching as "fate" made a handsome hunk fall helplessly in love with a perfect, dainty beauty that he would do for. It was so ROMANTIC but I've come to find that it is so not real life.

Derek liked me. He liked me a lot. He gave me a promise ring about 2 months after we started to intentionally date/court. Now he tells me, he wished he had just proposed because promise rings are pretty stupid. They say, "I promise to eventually engage you then promise to eventually marry you..."


Through our dating season though, Derek didn't give me flowers, or any special gifts other than the expected holiday stuff. We were both poor college students at the time, which was super understandable why I wasn't being showered in romantic symbols, but that didn't stop me from wanting to be shown this form of love.


My heart got pretty bad for a season. I began to wonder if Derek really even liked me. He would spend time with me, have great conversations with me, and tell me I was pretty from time to time. But for some reason, I just wanted him to surprise me with notes and poems, and sweet things like flowers and I was unsatisfied I wasn't getting that attention.


During our first year of marriage, I had such a hard time dealing with unmet and truthfully, unreasonable expectations that I held on Derek. He wasn't acting like the movies I watched growing up that said he would if he really loved me. I finally opened up about it, and Derek was hurt that I felt so neglected. I felt pretty stupid saying any of it because I would be reminded of all the sweet, whole hearted things he would say and do daily to show his love for me. But my words continued to fall out of my mouth, "I JUST WANT SOME FRIGGIN' FLOWERS!!!"

A couple days past and I came home to Derek's smiley face. "Welcome home, honey!"

As I hugged him, I could see over his shoulder a small vase with bright, neon orange, yellow, and green flowers.

Wait... What?

Neon orange.

Neon yellow.

Neon green.

Flowers.

The first flowers Derek has ever bought me.
 

Cue internal struggle between my brain and my heart.

Brain - "Shut up, he got you flowers."
 

"Awe, you got me flowers." I said in my soft, girlie voice. His eyes lit up, proud of his accomplishment. "Thank you so much." I whispered.
 

Heart - "Does he not know me, at all...”

Brain - "You asked for flowers, you were not very specific."

Heart - "Did I have to be?"

Brain - "Let it go and be grateful. Be patient."

So I thought I had let it go by not saying anything about it, but inside, I despised those flowers and mocked Derek for ever getting them.

Three hours later, we get into an argument about something minor and out of my mouth rolls, "YOU BOUGHT ME GREEN FLOWERS... REALLY!?"

I couldn't be grateful. I couldn't see the fact that he was trying to love me in my "language of love" which is very different from his, which is service and quality time. I made it about what I was getting verses the fact that my husband was blessing me and trying to show his love for me.

It was rough and my heart didn't change immediately.

For a while I used this story as ammo for how I thought Derek needed to step up his game. But I have since realized that I was the fool. I was the one so bent on the color of the flowers that I couldn't smell the sweet aroma of his love for me.

I apologized to him, about a year and a half later, for holding expectations over him (some that I didn't even realize I did) as to how his "real love for me" should look. Derek is not a Hollywood character, nor are we here to write my dream love story. We are a part of God's story, which is more romantic and pure then any "true love" tale ever told. He is kind, gentle, and patient despite our broken gifts and ever wondering hearts.

It has become a running tradition, and a never-failing-laughter-starter, to get some type of green flower in each bouquet that Derek gives me. It reminds me of God's pure love for me and intends for me to experience and give. It reminds me that,

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Seven

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 12, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Now if you don’t personally know me, let me be the first to tell you that I can be some what of a “Drama Queen.” I dramatize a lot of things in my life some being sinful and some being quite humorous, but I would like to assure you that what I am about to tell you, is completely true. Might I warn you, this might seem like a rant, but stick with me. I have a point.

I’d like to say, I get paid a nice salary. Shoot, I HAVE A JOB! That’s really something to celebrate about and to be thankful for!

But for the past two years, honestly, this has been super hard on me. All of me. I’m talkin’ my mind, emotions, paitence, and body. Everything. I wake up everyday super early (if I want to look decent), I keep off a majority of the lights off so Derek can sleep in, and I have to leave the house by at least 6:30 a.m. to make it to the office by 8:00 a.m. I fight Houston traffic from anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour and a half with people who are half a sleep, reading newspapers, doing make-up, and/or talking/texting on their phone, who just so happen to be mad at the world and flick me off because I’m in their way, which makes me a victim of road rage, at least, three times a month. Not to mention the sun is directly in my eyes the entire way there. So, when I finally get to work and I actually enjoy what I do. I grown in relationships with my co-workers, but they are all much older than me, and openly think I’m just a kid and have no clue of what I’m doing no matter how many times I’m proven myself, which is super demeaning. Some of them truly hate their lives and seem to enjoy taking it out on me. It’s exhausting. Slowly 5 o’clock comes, and everyone on the road is rushing home, the sun is once again frying my retinas, and I’m falling asleep at the wheel. The stress and anxiety from it all has given me a pinched nerve in the back of my neck and I tend to block out my whole day to the point that I don’t even remember how I got home.

I can’t live like this. I don’t want to do this for the next 10 years of my life better yet, another year. And I started to resent Derek for it because I felt he wasn’t doing anything to change the fact that I had to stay employed there, or we wouldn’t make it financially. (This is all my assumptions, of course.) I would come home crying from exhaustion, yelling because this sucked, and hurts. And I wanted it to stop, now.

When Derek called me and told me what the Lord placed in his heart, he sounded excited and happy! My mind tried to take it all in… wait, Derek says he wants to move to Seattle and grow our family… while serving as members of Mars Hill…? Wait, is this Derek? “Yes, Babe! We are moving to Seattle.”

Well, how’s that going to work? Calm down, Courtney, just breathe. Let Derek lead you and let him be led by the Holy Spirit. Because if you try and make anything happen and Derek follows you and not the Lord, all the blame is coming back on you when it all falls apart. Moving across the country has to be God, if not this is gunna be hell.

We found out our friend from Texas Bible Institute, Pancho, was actually interning at Mars Hill at that time. So Derek called him to pick his brain, and ask him some practical questions about Seattle and the ministry. Derek said he sounded way different from the Pancho we remembered for TBI. His spoke of God's grace and the glory of God, and how the Lord had changed him from thinking the gospel was all about him to being truly all about Jesus. THANK YOU! (Good fruit of the Ministry!) He also said that he was staying with a host family during his internship, and how they saw it as their ministry to open their home to young people, AND a married couple, who had being staying there, just moved out. Pancho offered to ask them if we could use the room when we got to Seattle. Derek was shocked and quickly said “YES!”

We prayed. What an opportunity. This would be a great confirmation and an open door.

Pancho called Derek and said the Winston’s would love to have us! WHAT?! These people don’t even know us, and they are willing to take a young married couple from Texas in. Thank you, Jesus.
It was January/February and our lease on our overly expensive apartment was up by the end of April. Derek had just gotten braces and was summoned to a 6-10 month sentence. But now that we knew where we were going and we had a place to stay, “What are we waiting for?! LET’S GO!” I said. Looking for an escape rather than looking for God’s will.

"Just leave, but leave clean!" That sentence became an annoying reminder of how this wasn't going to be about me.

I was so done working for this company, I was grateful but so done. I just wanted to move!!!!! (Now I was being dramatic.)

I even devised plans against Derek, thinking if I got a crappy, easy, minimum wage job in Seattle, I would get to have an easy life and be the one coming home early, and Derek would have to get a better paying job and work harder than me, because that would make him “the leader.” (Through this whole experience, I see just how deceived I was on marrital roles and have come to find the depravitiy of my heart. There is nothing good in me truly, but Jesus. My hope.)

HOW EVIL! What kind of team is one against itself? I had to come clean with Derek and repent to him and God. I don't want that attitude to be forgotten and overlooked because it will dig itself super deep in my heart, sprout more roots, and eventually rear it's ugly head back up and ain't no body got time for that.

He forgave me. We took time to be honest and we got to work through some deep hearted issues that we both were just living with rather than actually dealing with. Through that process, we grew closer. But I still wanted to just pick up and go and the Lord plastered what He said on my mind.

“Just leave, but leave clean.” But I don’t want to… I wanna leave now… Sin.

I tried to pursuade Derek, but he knew we weren’t supposed to break our lease, drop our jobs and just walk away. How is that leaving clean? We made promises and obligations. Were we being obedient by breaking them? Of course not.

Okay Courtney, time to put your big boy pants on, repent of your pride, and keep trusting. Be obedient. Plus I knew, I knew! that was what the Lord wanted us to do, but I let my circumstance be louder than my Lord.

We needed a plan. Derek spoke with Doc (the dentist) and she told him that if his teeth are obedient and move that there was a high chance he could get his braces off by April! WHAT?! Thank you Jesus.

We also knew, if we both got part-time jobs, we would be able to move comfortably, have a savings, and pay off our medical debt. Derek was reluctant on me getting a second job because it didn’t seem like I could handle the one I already had. But I was persistant and wanted to help, so after three weeks of interviews (?!?!) I got a part time job at Panera Bread, one of my favorite cafes. Sadly, they weren’t offering much money or hours, which now I can see was the Lord. I would be fully cooked if I had the 30-35 hours extra hours of work a week, but the little I have made helped. Thank you Jesus.

Derek got a part-time job with Mission Burrito and he seemed to really like it. But he works hard, really hard. He would leaves home between 8-9 am for his first job and get home between 2-4 pm to then go to his next job between 4-6 pm and didn't get home til 11-11:30 pm. That’s a lot! But I’ve never heard him complain once. My hero.

We called and talked with the Winston’s, our host home. They asked us about ourselves, gave their expectations from us, and prayed with us on the phone! These people are amazing! They pray! This really gave us peace. We have a direction and we have  some clarity.

I starting applying online for jobs in Seattle that I thought I qualified for. I got a call at the end of March to do a phone interview with Princess Cruise doing Accounting. I was honest that we were not going to be there till May 5th, and I found out their new program didn't start till May 15th. I got the job. Two months out on a phone interview... Yep. Thank you, Jesus. Couldn't be more clear. :) 
I can drive in the sun for a couple more months with this on the horizon. I can wake up early, I can do the job I'm currently with well, because I know it’s “You’re not running from anybody! God leading you out of here…" God was doing something, something big. And we get to be a part of it.

Thank you for reading my blog! This has been fun to reminisce the Lord’s work in our lives. We want to remind ourselves of God’s goodness and Fatherly love towards us, because too often we forget and act out on our forgetfulness. Check out next week for the follow up post of what's been happening since we Sailed to Seattle.

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Six

*This is a pre-written blog post by my husband, Derek from April 9, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Seattle... Mars Hill.. hmmm...

So, I’ve decided there were 3 main reasons I did not want to give Mark Driscoll or Mars Hill a chance…

1. My wife seemed to be “in love” with him! Lol. She really admired him and his wife and his teaching and talked about them all the time. So, of course, I got a little jealous.
2. I honestly thought that “Calvinism” was a denomination and in the genius, pride of my mind, I rejected it without any further investigation. (Check out Calvinism & Arminianism. Using resourses like the Resurgence really helped me practically and theologically.)
3. The little that I heard from Mark Driscoll was yelling at men… And being immature and irresponsible myself, I’d get offended and why would I need anyone else to yell at me besides my wife?! Lol I love my wife.

I do however prefer Bible teachers and preachers to preach and teach the Bible! Convicting or controversial as it may be at times!

There were tons of podcasts on our laptop of Mars Hill, so little by little I would listen occasionally as the Holy Spirit led and I finally decided that at the very least, this man can preach The Word of God without compromising or watering it down.

I like him.

Would I serve or support Mars Hill ministry? Probably not. (Remember, I still haven't researched the ministry and their beliefs, only watched podcasts.)

So we still have a BIG issue!!!

Where are we going!!!??? I'm the leader, I don't do all of the decision making, but all of the responsiblity of these decision are on me. During this time, I was VERY cautious of who we counseled with. We know how important a multitude of counselors is. We also know how dangerous counsel can be when woven with sinful or ignorant motives, which can canse confusion, doubt, and fear between Courtney and I. Honestly, it seemed as if most people we talked with were saying to stay, "You're young," "Take your time," "Whatever you want to do somewhere else, you can do here." No one had given us any alternative route, scripture, etc, it was only - "don't go".
BUT
God said “out of here! Leave!” … Soo... 
Again..where?… How do I decide, and be sure? ...Now, hold that thought..

“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”

My immediate reaction to this is I listen to worship music all day, every day. Check!

Although that wasn’t entirely accurate, listening to worship music did help.

Anyways, so what does that mean? How do I do that?

I started reading in Ecclesiastes, and I looked to see if Pastor Mark Driscoll taught anything on it. I learned through that and the series on Doctrine a sermon called “Worship” that I was not created TO worship.. I am created worshipping. And unfortunately I was worshipping the wrong one most of the time. My life is constantly giving glory and praise, to either God or something or someone else… Most of the time, it’s been myself.

This revelation of worship completely changes the way a Christian in America lives… No longer defined by culturally accepted Christianity and traditional religion.

Do all things out of praise and thanksgiving to Jesus!

That’s it… NOT ONLY… Talk about Jesus, give to and serve people, go to Church, pray, read,  & sing because “that’s how you be a Christian.”

NO!!!
Jesus saved you and made you alive!!! And you did nothing to deserve it! Now if you truly believe that, how would you respond to that? … aka – the Christian life.

Enjoy and appreciate creation: people, places, things.
But Worship and give all the glory to Creator of everything: God.
SO LIBERATING!!!!

Now.. back to the pending question… How do I make this decision or any decision for that matter?
(Insert one of the top 10 quoted and misunderstood scriptures) – “delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” NOT you get whatever you ask or want! If God gave us everything we wanted, He would be a terrible God and Father with many rotten children because we rarely know what we want and what's good for us. He does. He withholds no good thing from us.

Delight: find satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ and He will transform your desires into His desires or he gives you the “desires” of your heart …. Have you made the connection yet?!!!
“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”!!!!! This is the key to making a BIG decision!!!! Naturally, my heart is deceitfully wicked, but Jesus has given me a new heart and continually changes my desires to His desires as I submit to the Holy Spirit.

ONE SIDE NOTE: There are many factors to making wise, Godly decisions, such as discerning things through the bible, research, counsel, prayer, and many others. HOWEVER, the reason why I'm stressing worship and motive of the heart is because of what Courtney and I have been through, which is so much heartache, sorrow, betrayal, bitterness, and faith-crushing experiences, that the position of our hearts, and motive, was the most crucial element to this decision. We knew ultimately, God would have His will despite us.

At this point, I had finally begun researching all of our options in depth, Courtney and I had been praying and reading the Bible, living life, going to work, thanking God for all the grace and mercy He had lavished upon us in our time of weakness, and how much he saved us from our ignorance…

And then one day at work, while cleaning a pool…

Considering the 2 to 3 options on the table, thinkin about it all…

“I would love to serve, grow, and build a family and life at Mars Hill in Seattle for however long God would have us there!” …. I swear it’s like that thought just crawled down into the bottom of my stomach and just settled there and it said “I ain’t goin no where!”

I gotta call Courtney! … I know.
… Really, ya think ? … Yea! I KNOW.
So I called Courtney.

-Derek

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Two

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 5, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

It was a Saturday, and we had just finished Pastor Mark’s sermon on planning. Me, being a “pusher,” took out a couple pens and pads and started to write down some questions. 

Questions like,

“What do you think you are supposed to do with your life?”
“What do you want to drive?”
“Where do you wanna be in 5 years?”
“How many kids do you want to have?”

Of course, these are all questions you ask while looking for your mate, since times had changed, opinions had changed, desires and vision had changed, it was time to get back on the same page.

Twenty minutes went by. We both finished scratching our thoughts, hearts, and vision down on our own yellow note pads. Time to share.

Here were some of our answers (Derek/Courtney):

“Where do you want to live?” California, Portland, Colorado. California, Portland, Seattle.

“What do you feel called to do?” Music & Minister. Music, Ministry, and Motherhood.

“How many kids do you want?” 1. 6.


Wait… What? 1? 6?! That’s a big difference?!

My heart sank. I really wanted a big family. I’ve always wanted lots of babies to love, encourage, and teach. One…? Really Lord?

"Don’t you want to have a boy and a girl? I mean, who are they going to ride rollercoasters with? Creepers? Think about it, we’ll have an empty end at our dinner table…"

…my plea, as I process the fact that I’m probably not going to win this one. I immediately had to check my heart. What if Derek was really only willing to have one child? What if I was barren and couldn’t have any? What if I had to wait years and years for adoption, or worse, denied the ability to ever have the chance to raise children? Could I handle any of that in my “perfect world” paradigm?

As you can see some not so pleasant things were coming out of my heart and my mouth. Obviously some paranoia, a bit of selfish ambition, a little manipulation, and a whole lot of pride. All because I wasn’t about to get my made-to-order life the way I wanted it. Even at the cost of Derek’s.

Derek stopped and started to think about it, and mentioned what a joy it would really be to have a daughter and a son.

So he reconsidered and changed his answer, "1. 2." with a big smile. A sweet compromise.  

But my heart was still troubled!

Why did I want a big family if God was going to put me with a man that didn’t want one?

The week went by quickly and we didn’t talk much about our little pow-wow. Saturday we made a trip to our near-and-dear friends’ home, the Garcias! What a great bunch! We joined them for worship at their home church in Beaumont. We got there right in time for everything to start, so not much meet and greeting happened. During worship the Pastor (who has met Derek and I once a long time ago, and is said to be terrible with names) stopped the service and called out Derek and I requesting us to come up to the front for prayer. We had just left our second ministry which was a fresh wound. We were praying and seeking the Lord for our next step, and we were trying really hard to function as a team. We were excited and open for some corporate prayer. We just didn’t know it was going to happen like this.

The elders surrounded us.

I could hear the pastor begin to speak over and pray for Derek. Such kind, encouraging, and very relevant stuff.

A sweet lady came in front of me and began to pray. At first what she prayed was very general, and generic, which was much needed to calm and remind my heart of God’s unfailing love for me, but it was not what one would consider prophetic.

Until she began to speak to me directly in my face. “He sees you, He knows you. Be obedient when He tells you to not live in tomorrow…” (UM YEAH, the message He’s been teaching me for… all my life.) “Trust Him, He is your Father. And don’t worry about the babies, they will come.” (These people didn’t know me, and I’m kind of a big girl, how does she know I’m not pregnant now? I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be far fetched.) “Oh, my sweet girl, how many do you want, like six?!” WHAT!?!

Ugh! I just fell to the floor crying.

He heard me.
He really heard me, and He knows me!
HE LOVES ME!

That moment was so sweet to me. I didn’t care anymore whether or not God blessed us with six children or none. 

I didn’t receive this as “Oh, you are going to have six children, despite Derek.” No. I heard that as, “I love you, I hear you, and I know your desires, and I know what both of you can need.” What a great God we serve! I repented to Him, of all my expectations and standards I set that God had to fullfill. He was helping me see my idols. The ones I had made, and some unknowingly built shrines that I had been worshipping in my heart.

When I bow my life in submission to something or someone else other than Jesus, my face is away from Him, and my posture towards my idols forces my posture towards Him and His will. My back and my behind.

It would honestly be hard for me if I ever knew I would not have the chance to experience childbearing, but, I know that whatever the Lord allows me to go through, He has allowed. As hard as it may be to understand at the time, I have confidence that in any circumstance whether it be babies, bills, health, jobs, good, bad, or indifferent, He is in control. I certainly don’t mind that thought anymore! I forget it sometimes and get offended if I am worshipping another idol. Truly, I would much rather it be someone that knows everything, beginning to end. Not to mention the fact that He made everything which means He knows how it all works best. I would much rather He call the shots than me. I know what I can do in my own power, and it’s a honestly just a whole lot of hell and nothing that lasts.

Where are you?

Are you locked up in the expectations of your definition of a great life and success? Will your world crumble if you don’t work there, if you don’t marry him/her, if you don’t drive that, go to school there, become that size, have enough children or any at all?

This is idolitary, and we must repent.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of earth will go strangely dim,
in the Light of His glory and grace." 

 

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week One

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 4, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle. Look forward to 6 additional posts including one written by my husband, Derek all about this grand adventure of love, sacrifice, God's glory, and our joy.*

I have been compelled to write. To form a pile of rocks to remind myself of what God has done. We are forgetful people, as I am reminded after reading why we gather, and He has been too good to me to allow such beautiful testimonies to be forgotten.

Let’s start back in September of 2012.

Our hearts were broken. So many lies were brought into the light. What was the truth? Did this all just happen or did we over look the evidence this whole time? When they said, “We don’t want to do baptism, and we don’t take communion either,” that just gave us an appropriate HOV lane out of there. We gave so much to this vision and were on the verge of giving it all, but God’s grace stopped us in our tracks.

I wanted it!

I wanted to quit my job and serve at this church full time, and they were willing to offer me that very thing, but what I didn’t know, and the Lord did, was that it was going to cost me more that I was willing to pay. When the truth, the whole truth, came out. I immediately repented and started thanking Him for surpassing my feelings and did what was best for us as a family. We would have been in for some big surprises if I had quit my job and became staff. His love once again saved us.

It was heartbreaking, but there was hope in the midst of this storm. I remember the Lord nudging me a couple of weeks prior saying, “I am faithful, even when my people are not.” I thought it was about people (my friends, family, and people who said they supported Derek and I pursuing ministry) not giving any money to the organization I wanted to work for, which would in turn be providing enough to pay my monthly salary. No money meant no job. I thought God’s people were being cheap, selfish, and unfaithful. But they weren’t. I got caught up in the overwhelming desire to work in “God’s kingdom” alone (which I’ll come back to), and God’s people were just being obedient. He was shutting off all of the streams that could feed into this work, making it impossible for us to drink from it. Now, His other people, the people leading this organization, they were the ones who were truly being unfaithful. His encouraging words after a devistating revelation, meant I could trust that my life was in his hands, not in my own. Derek’s life, my family’s or friend’s lives, or even these “leaders”.

I was mislead into thinking that I could only work for "God’s kingdom" if I was working for a church. God’s work is missional, and we need Christians working in the feilds as doctors, lawyers, baristas, and cashiers. I can love and serve the Lord just as much there as anywhere else he may set me.

So, it was back to the drawing board for us. Back to the basics for everything. All of our dreams and plans that went into "that" ministry, and family were now being excommunicated, we needed to reevaluate. Derek and I sat down together and watched planning, which was something we weren’t always the best team players at. I had been known to be a control-freak once or twice, and he didn’t like the disappointing side of planning. He wanted to make one definitive plan without changes.

The Holy Spirit began to soften both of our hearts and show us that planning was good. We needed to allow God to direct our desires even through unexpected events, or closing doors. So we prayed!

Do you have a plan?

Have your plans been distracted and foiled by others, or derailed by unexpected events? It is time to reevaluate, both your heart, your teammate’s status, and your current plan. Allow the Holy Spirit to show you the path he wants you to walk and allow Him to direct your steps. As you walk in faith, know that He loves His children, and nothing you do or say is a surprise to Him.

Don’t be afraid, lest you be the servant to whom he says "You wicked, lazy servant! …you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.” It’s time to dream, and dream BIG!

Planning

I am a big planner. Sometimes, it's to the extreme. I'm talkin' to the point of zero enjoyment of what I am planning to do. I can't! I'm too busy worrying about the next thing on my to-do list. So, "What's the point?!" you ask. Well, I thought it was to get to the finish line and bust out in my choreographed celebration dance, but by that time, I'm exhausted. Seriously, I can't really tell you much about the experience, but I can say is, I did it. Whatever it was.

But I have come a long way! For example, our well planned Los Angeles trip back in October 2011 Derek was invited to perform at P4CM's 2011 Rhetoric. What a privilege and we had a blast!

I had the essentials purchased, like the planes tickets, hotel, and rental car, pretty much the night we decided we were going... Then I started looking of things to do. I ended up finding some great deals on tours, food, and shows. I did become bossy when it came time to get ready to go to these planned events, and of course I had to be there early, so there was some yelling, and later repenting, going on between the happy couple. All in all we had a great time!!

Then the time came to make a weekend trip to Canada this year for my birthday. We only had Amtrak tickets, a hotel room, and about $250 to spend. All of our plans were undecided. At first, my hands started to sweat. But I'm learning to trust my husband, Derek, who is not a planner, and to enjoy the moment I am currently in.

What a birthday trip!! The Amtrak ride was so beautiful! (If you have a chance to take it from Seattle to Vancouver, DO IT!) We had cafe lunches (my fave), went to Stanley Park on bike rentals, and went to a comedy show down the street from our hotel! This was one of my favorite trips and it seemed like time had slowed down for us. We were well rested, had tons of laughs, and didn't fight at all. Plus, I actually remember it!

There are some areas in our lives that we can honor God by planning out well, but in no area is it honoring if we have consistent anxiety and fear. Truthfully, that means that our worship is not focused on Jesus but rather pointed towards those things. Whether it's planning trips, events, parenting, education, budgeting money, or meal planning, these can all easily become idols in our hearts. We will we obsess over these and we may allow them to define us. This is not what our Father wants for his children, whom he loves deeply.

A way that I evaluate whether something is an idol in my heart is if it doesn't go the way I plan or envisioned it, what happens to my heart, my brain, or my attitude? Does it ruin my day? Does it crush me, because this is "who I am"?

What about you? What gets your blood pressure up when it doesn't happen your way? Are you trying to control something or someone to the point that you are choking the life out of it or them? The Father cares for you, and he is the only one that will satisfy your soul.

Hebrews 6:17-20

So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.