Monday Mornings with the Maffetts (Ep. 1)

Good Morning!!

We are trying something new with the crazy two of us!

Enjoy!

Drowning

My first reaction was, "When it rains, it pours!"

The fact that I even went there, both in mind and on my facebook status, shows alot about the true state of my heart. I gave alot of annoyed sighs, a couple eye-rolls, and I heard myself say, "for real God?" just a few times during this season. But none the less, I was moving forward... Right? Standing firm and enduring my hardship. Look how strong I am!! Or was I? I have found myself, really, just exsisting while taking, what felt like, each progressively, overwhelming surge.

Got into an accident, whip lash and a late night visit to the ER.

The place where we worship is in controversy, lots of prayer and conversations.

I broke my tooth, $300.

We find out more information about our church, lots of tears and more prayer.

Our Honda broke down, $850.

More stuff comes out about our church, now frustration, confusion, and more tears.

Paying for treatments from my accident, $250.

Our Honda breaks down again, $375.

Derek's latest yearly MRI shows 20 lesions when there has been only 3 for the past 3 years, lots of tears and I'm getting scared.

Insurance is refusing to pay for the accident, lots of anger.

More church stuff, I'm starting to get numb.

Our car's engine blows, $3,000+.

Add on the relentless day to day traffic, gas prices, work related issues, trying to build your direct sales business, fighting with my husband, moving and needing to put stuff in our home...

ALRIGHT! STOP! PLEASE!

I'm trying! I'm trying to catch my breath. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and my chin up, but this is HARD. I'm weary and I don't want to fake it till I make it. I want real joy, real peace, and real strength, because I'm really weak.

And that's the point. I've been trying to fight the waves that are crashing into me and they keep showing me my weakness. I'm not strong enough to handle them and I feel out of control and lost. I can't stand anymore.

Yes, I have been blasted by continious waves but I'm beginning to notice that I am laid upon the Rock of Ages. This cleft Rock has me and will not seem to let me go. The waves a wearing and blistering, but this Rock is unmoveable, sterdy, and trustworthy. He is my salvation in the storm. He is my safe ground, the One whom I find my shelter. Despite all things, which cannot be ignored or overlooked, He is ever present. In is presence alone, I am given an odd peace, one I normally wouldn't have in floods like this. He is here. He has made Himself known to me and I will follow him. My circumstance didn't change, just my perspective in light of my identity.

Jesus is to be my joy. Not my means to an end.

A Story that's "Weighty"

This story is just that…a story! I happen to live this story, but I'm hoping that it can give you a little insight on how God has used my circumstances to love me, but even more how much I need him. This story illustrates where I currently find myself. I would like to remind you that this does not define me, although it used to. Sometimes I feel like I have "Big Girl" written on my forehead, but my weight, height, cellulite, and stretch marks say very little of my heart. Please read my story, and remember it's just a tiny glimpse into God's huge, overarching story of His Glory. Please note that I am not sharing this for any health advice or weight loss plans. I have a great team around me that is helping me overcome where my heart is, my sin, and my eating habits. I tell this story with the intentions of showing the depravity of my human heart, and ultimately show, once again that I as well as you, have a daily desperate need for a Savior.

"Dang, She got big!"
Those are the words I have overheard friends saying to other friends. I could read them as they rolled off the lips of family members, as they leaned over to whisper into another's ear. I have heard things like, "I would let you borrow my shirt, but I don't want it to stretch out," "I don't want it, but Courtney will probably eat it," and "She can't fit in here," from people on a packed elevator.

Thankfully, no one has asked me the question, "are you pregnant?" No, I'm not! I think I would cry on the spot. I have gained about 51 pounds in less than 3 years. Yes, I know there is a problem. No, it is not my thyroid. Truthfully, sometimes I wish it were a pregnancy, or had a thyroid issue. Then I would have something else to blame for how I look, rather than the truth! The truth is that I need to look at my heart and acknowledge the real problem. This may seem sad, but it's true.

Over three years ago, on my wedding day I wore a size 8 fitted-dress.

I weighed 165 pounds. I looked great, but I was miserable.

Growing up I developed quicker than most of my schoolmates. My birthday was after August so our school held me back from starting Pre-K for a year. I wasn't too self-conscious until I entered 6th grade. Something triggered in me when my best friend, who was overweight, began to hate herself for how she looked. I played outside a lot, played volleyball, and was pretty active. I had a cute body, but I began to see that I looked different from the girls around me. I was taller and my body developed curves sooner then theirs did. I didn't see that as maturity, I saw it as being big. I felt big, no matter my weight, or the pant's size. It became an ever present voice that taunted me in my head. As I feared my weight and tried to control it, my body blew up. It was this massive pendulum that swung from anorexia to gluttony. I considered throwing up, but I was a singer and knew it could damage my vocal cords. Instead I tried to eat my sorrow away, but it never seemed satisfied.

Through high school, I quit all of my sports because a "serious" relationship was taking up a lot of my time. I gained alot of weight, and I gained it really fast. I remember in the beginning of my relationship, this boyfriend begging me with tears in his eyes, "Please, don't get fat! Please!"

I broke up with him and ran away to a bible school (that's a whole 'nother story). I lost a lot of my weight thanks to being broke, having no job, and a low budget cafeteria menu. I became less stressed as the pounds shed, but still in my heart, I felt like a "fat girl."

I was able to stay smaller as I worked at the summer camp which had long hours and small meals. Still, my heart was uneasy and wasn't satisfied. In my eyes, I was bigger than the girls around me. I was convienced I couldn't be anyone's definition of beautiful because I wasn't even my own.

In my mind, beautiful was blond, petite, and super skinny.
Which I was none of the above!

Where did I get this? Why was this my definition? Maybe media, maybe it was the girls I saw with the guys I wanted. Maybe it was because I didn't see myself as beautiful, beauty had to be everything I wasn't.

I was sold a lie, and bought it.

I didn't believe anyone that would try to tell me I was lovely, or that what I was believing was lies! Instead, the rejection of others and lack of praise was what defined me. It was my identity. I was broken. I had no idea who I really was. I didn't believe that what God created (Me!) was good or was ever enough. Even when I had all that my wicked heart desired, the blonde hair and was a skinny version of myself. I was not satisfied.

I met Derek at that summer camp.

He was a masterpiece.

Smart, handsome, funny, and amazingly talented!

I really liked him. He seemed to really like me too.

I felt I had two things going for me at that point. Two things I thought I could slam on our imaginary table and say "Hey Derek! Choose me! I'm worth something!"

1. I thought I was pretty (now that I wasn't as big as I once was).

2. I could sing.

I knew Derek wanted to be a spoken word artist, so I knew I had what he would want in a wife.

I would like to add, God loves his creation. He loves what He has made. He knows all things, which means He also knows what will destroy us. These two things I thought I brought to the table defined me, not Jesus. I was worth something, because I was pretty, and I could sing. Not because I found my hope and idenity in Jesus. 

So what would it mean if I wasn't “pretty," and I could no longer sing... What would I have left?

Let's find out.

Because God loves me so much, He destroyed my idols. It seemed like the day after my wedding I inflated. Five, ten, twenty pounds. I was speeding down a hill and I could not stop. I tried what seemed like everything, but I couldn't let go of the weight.

 

I grew polyps on my vocal cords, and because I was prideful and angry, I kept singing. I ended up losing my voice and needing surgery, which kept me completely silent for about a month. I never thought I would sing again. I was so angry at God. As I lost control, I thought for sure Derek would leave me because I wasn't the girl he married anymore. I was just waiting for a tiny, blonde girl to come bouncy into our lives and I would have to watch my husband be woo'd away from me.

 

What happened next, left me in awe.

This man loved me so well during these past 3 years. He has held me as I've cried, complimented me, encouraged me as I worked out, and continued to enjoy me as I am. My inability to believe I was enough played a huge part in many of our fights. Derek has shown me the Gospel by loving me deeply during this time past my body shape. We are still together, our covenant is strong, and we are growing in our love, and enjoyment of each other daily! He is my biggest fan, and my best friend. I'm so grateful for the gift he is in my life.

When do you hear stories like that?

Now, you may think that God was mean to me (I did at the time), or you may even say that this wasn't God. You may think I miss stated something when I said he loves me so much that he destroyed my idols. But I know God loves me! He has convienced me of this truth time, and time again. I know he would preserve me for that which will greatly harm me, I'm not just talking about temporal, but eternal/heart/deep stuff. He cares more about my heart then my happiness, because He knows what my heart is focused on will direct me. When I am naval gazing, I compare, covet, and critize all those around me, losing many friends in the process. I know because it's happened before!!

Let me clarify. Being healthy and strong is not wicked. It's what Jesus intended us to do as stewards of our body. But personally, that was not my heart's intensions in my vanity. I wanted to be hot, admired, and wanted. Those are dangerous desires with ill intentions. I'm glad Jesus didn't let me lose the weight. I could see that the vanity in my heart was quenching any joy out of my day to day life.

I'm learning so much about what beauty really is, and this is why my blog say "Beauty flows from a beautiful heart," it's true!. My weight, my hair color, skin color, even the words people say about me, do not define me. My identity is found is Christ Alone!

My body may not be where it should be, but my heart is growing in a direction where I can become a better steward with it. I want to glorify God with my body, heart and mind and feel confident that my idenity is not found in my pant's size, but whom I hide myself in. Jesus.

 

"Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in thee."

This is certainly not the end of my story, and I can't wait to share more of overcoming gluttony and obesity. I hope to learn these valuable lessons thoroughly, so that I may pass them on to my children.

 

How do you feel in your skin? Who/What defines that?

 

Friendship is Important

Life is busy! There seems to always be something going on in work, at church, or at home. It's hard finding time to have intentional relationships, but they are much needed. I'm grateful that my church encourages community groups to gather once a week. This makes it easy to get to know people in your area and build strong relationships with people you normally wouldn't.

1. Be approachable: I haven't approached some ladies before because they just have this mug on their face that says, "What are you looking at?" I want to say, "Umm, nothing. I'm sorry," and walk away very quickly. Ladies, check your face.

2. Be a good listener: I have the hardest time with this one. I can be really selfish and find great joy in talking all about myself. I can change an entire conversation that starts about someone else and to become about me. Something the Holy Spirit has been convicting me on is to start intentionally listening to anyone that talks with me. What are they saying? Are they passionate about it? I don't have to put my two cents in, I can just listen and rejoice, mourning, or just be with them.

3. Be truthful but gracious: After listening, sometimes there needs to be truth shared. Whether it's sin to be addressed or you can tell they are believing a lie from the enemy, we are to share truth graciously. Truth isn't a hammer to break a person with. It isn't a moment of "I told you so." It's "please hear me out on this, because I love you." Pray first. Ask for wisdom and the words to address issues and share truth. Share Jesus with them.

4. Be adventurous: Your friends may like things that you have never tried or may not be right up your alley but I say, give it a try. They may like rollercoasters, hiking, roller blading, or sewing. Go for it. :) Step out of your comfort zone and try it. You never know, you may like it. I know that one of the things that blessed me, is when my best friend & husband Derek took me to a modern dance class. I love dance, but he does not! But he signed us up as a date night, and we both had such a blast. It was a onetime thing, but it was a memory for the books.

5. Be loving, even when it's hard: Sometimes, we don't see eye to eye and that's okay. We live in a fallen world with sinful people and despite how much we try, we will let each other down and even hurt each other. Don't jump out of a friendship when something happens, stick in there and watch your friendship get strong in the long run. It's worth it.

Are you someone that others consider a good friend? What ways is Jesus changing your heart and mind in order to become a better one?

 

In Christ Alone

https://soundcloud.com/courtney-maffett/in-christ-alone

This is a recording from the audience, of our band the Loyal Strangers. I got the opportunity to lead this song.
Written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

What song do you love to worship Jesus with?

Dear 13 year-old Courtney,

We need to talk. I know you really don't like reading but I wanted to share some wisdom with you. Mind you, I'm you only a couple years further down the line, so that should scare you enough to keep reading...

First off, DO NOT TRY TO PIERCE YOUR TONGUE BY YOURSELF AT YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE! That's stupid! Just because a couple of rebellious thirteen year olds in a movie did it, does not mean you should try. It's going to hurt and you're going to pass out. Yeah, you pass right out when you look in the mirror and see that SEWING needle in your tongue! Need I mention it doesn't even work in the end. Please. Just don't.

Secondly, love your family. Yes, I called them your family. Despite everything that has happened, no amount of distance and ignoring them makes them any less your family. Take advantage of your placement with them now because you never know when they will choose to cut off all communication with you or worse, leave this earth forever. Cherish them.

Hey, slow down. Enjoy the ride. The point of all of this isn't to get to the end of the road. It's the journey. There's alot to look at, tons of memories, laughter, cakes, storms, flat-tires, emergency room visits, and alot of the people. Soak it all in. Let that Texas-Tornado, survival-mode mind of yours slow down and smell the flowers, because you're missing them! It's a beautiful world that the Lord has created for us to enjoy and develop. Yeah, it can be pretty painful and at times dreadfully heart-breaking, but all of that draws you closer to Him, in whom we find peace, comfort, and restoration.

Speaking of Him, I want to tell you something. 

(Oh, I know you think you know who I am talking about. You've heard His name and have heard stuff folks around you have said about him, but that doesn't mean you know him. I want to remind you of all the times you were misrepresented by things that people said about you and they based their entire opinion of you solely on hear-say. Pretty frustrating, right?! You really don't know a person until they have revealed themselves to you and actually spend some time allowing you to really get to know them. So, hear me out.) 

You're angry. I get it and it's okay to be angry. He's going to help you in that area, and one of the first things He is going to give you is forgiveness. Then He is going to tell you to give it to others, even the undeserving ones. I know that that is the last thing you want to give because it makes you feel weak and vulnerable, and truthfully you want everyone to pay for what they've done to you. Let Jesus, the creator of everything, be your vindicator and the judge.

Soon, sweet girl, you are going to realize that Jesus has given you forgiveness for everything. Yes, I said, forgiveness for everything. No, you did nothing to deserve it, actually you didn't deserve it at all. This forgiveness was driven, given, and initiated by Love. I want you to look up 1 John 4:8. Now, reread that last sentence.

God loves you.

This love is not like anything you have ever experienced. He cares for you. He was with you and wept with you as you went through what you did. You are His and He is yours. This makes no sense right now and that's okay, but soon after experiencing this for yourself, He is going to enable you to forgive the people you never thought you could. 

Courtney, you have been forgiven. You are loved. You are chosen. I know you may not think you need it right now because you're "a pretty good person," but you will soon see that you are in desperate need of a Savior and you need forgiveness. He is the source of all things and he gives it to you not based on your performance, but freely. Live for His glory. There is so much joy there. That is where your identity is found, in Jesus.

Sincerely,

(You in 12 years.)

Since You Been Gone...

One of our dear friends, Pancho, has moved back down to Texas. Derek offered to make the trip down with him and then just fly back after spending a couple days with his parents. Now normally, I am the one traveling which leaves Derek at home. So really, I've never been at home alone for a week at a time. This is weird.

Which has given me some time to notice what he does for me, how much he has inspired me, and just how much I really miss him.

Dear Mr. Maffett,

I need you to know that:
1. I miss your presence. You have given such me a sense of security and I feel very safe around you. I've noticed that I am a little more nervous when I'm on my own. 
2. I really miss your laugh. Your laugh is contagious and I love when I get you rollin'. I'm literally willing to do anything just to keep you laughing after I get you started. It makes me so happy!!! 
3. I miss your wisdom. I make dumb decisions when you are not around. The Holy Spirit uses you all the time to keep me in check, and he is easier to ignore when he isn't audible thru you. 
4. I enjoy your sweet surprises. I miss the small things you do for me. Like flowers for no reason, and hanging my jacket because it's laying on the floor. 
5. I am grateful for all of your acts of service. My phone would always be dead, my alarm wouldn't go off, and my keys would be lost forever without you.

6. I really enjoy our late night talks. You know, the ones I fall asleep during. (Jeez, this list is convicting...) Talking on the phone is nice but I miss seeing the passion in your eyes when you talk about something you believe in or want. 

7. I am thankful for your conviction. You can be bullheaded at times but your relentlessness for what you believe is inspiring. You fight hard for what's right and always stand up for truth.

8. I love to hear your kind words. You are a strong, yet tender man. When you speak, you are intentional and meaningful. 

9. I'm inspired by your love for the Lord. You are always leading me closer and closer to Jesus and testing my faith. You are repentant and forgiving. Thank you. :)

10. I can help but love your sweet dance moves. If anyone drops a beat, you are quick to drop it likes it hot with me. I'm grateful for a man that is so much fun!

I love you. I miss you. Come home soon.
XOXO, Your bride 

Changing up your normal routine is hard. Especially if it involves another person that is out of town for work or in another state seeing their parents. How do you deal with it? What kind of impacts and inspirations has a friend or family member made on you that you don't always notice, until it's missing? How does that make you want to love others on a more consistent bases?